Tuesday, September 25, 2012

"Obama, the food stamp President Yay!"

(Associated Posers) – WASHINGTON DC – As the number of Americans hitting hard times and find themselves needing food stamps to survive as hit more than 46 million, a record high, at least one college professor is cheering.

“This is great news” said the associate dean of the Georgetown Law Center Peter B Edelman “The more the merrier. This is how Americans learn the wonders of belonging to the state, a real communion of the people.”

Most Americans likely decry a failing economy that places so many people in dire straits, and struggle to change government policy to repair the damage, Dean Edelman assures people that everything will be just fine. “The American dream is now a fantasy, government has made sure to relegate it to the ash heap of history”.

“The economy must fail” he says “People must learn to get by on less. They must learn to live with less food. We cannot go on driving as much as we want, or turning the air conditioner as low as we want. This kind of greed is what we must bleed out of the system.”

Asked if he thought a thriving middle class and an improved job market was a good thing, Edelman visibly bristles. “It's all based on greed and self-fulfillment. People must get back to learn to live in the dirt and the crap. They must learn to live in smaller apartments.”

Informed that most Americans would not agree with this, Edelman laughed. “They will. Little by little. The millions on food stamps will learn that life on the dole is comfortable. They don't have to work themselves to death, they don't need to worry about the next paycheck. This is socialism, they will like socialism. They will like being taken care of”.

Fellow academic Amy Bishop, a rabid fan of Barack Obama, agrees with Edelman “Everything has a purpose. Obama is pursuing a policy that evaporates the private economy and allows the community economy to grow. As Michelle has said in the past, sometimes it is better for people to get jobs making less money to make a real change in their community. Material needs can be put second and we can all work together to make the world a better place”.

As one example professor Amy Bishop points at her friends who operate Mother Jones magazine, which is listed as a non-profit despite being a partisan advocate. “They make a real difference, like when they released that doctored videotape to make Mitt Romney look bad” she said. “You don't have to necessarily give up worldly possessions to make such a difference, after all my friends at the magazine all make six figures.”

“It is the masses who must do the real sacrificing, not the academics and the elite” Peter Edelman explained “It's easier for them to learn to live a peasant lifestyle since they aren't as intelligent”.

“They will learn to love” Amy Bishop said, her eyes gleaming “They will learn to love their government and know that it is looking out for them, so they won't have to”.

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