Saturday, January 25, 2014

Obama Fighting Obesity with New Label Law

(Associated Posers) Washington DC – The White House today announced an executive order that would force all “junk” food and fast food packaging to contain graphic images that would curtail their use. In a move that is hoped to curb obesity in America they would steer Americans toward fresh fruits and vegetables.

“We have seen other countries putting graphic images of black lung and other things on packages of cigarettes to discourage their use. On that note we have decided to try to do the same with junk food and fast food” Jay Carney announced.

To that end several rotating images of Michelle Obama will be used. Jay Carney said this was an obvious choice because “Nobody can eat while gagging”.

Mark Levin, scholar and talk radio host said this violates the Constitution provision against “cruel and unusual punishment”. “Hopefully it won't take too much time for a judge to strike this down, we don't need people dying in the streets”

Fresh fruits and vegetables are exempt, the White House noted, so that people will be able to survive. “The notion that people are all going to wither away and die is ludicrous, there are exemptions”

Food companies will no doubt fight the packaging label requirement. “Executive orders are not laws, the President has no power to do this” said Americans for Living Life “This law is inhumane”

“The President has no doubt that this law will reduce obesity in America”

Monday, January 13, 2014

President announces New Economic Policy is "Great Leap Forward"

WASHINGTON DC (Associated Posers) – Starting his sixth year in office President Barack Hussein Obama promises to focus on the economy “like a laser beam”, which he also promised annually since 2009. Saying that he will recruit all Americans into a “national mission” to restore the economy and to glorify the motherland, the President says his new plan will "mobilize the country around the national mission of making sure our economy offers everyone who works hard a fair shot at opportunity and success."

The President said that he will meet with Ivory Tower Academics and campaign contributors and those corporate titans who receive large government subsidies to devise a plan to bring jobs back to the country. One part of the plan that has already been decided on is more generous handouts to the unemployed.

House Democrat Leader Nancy Pelosi explains “unemployment benefits are a major boost for the economy in times like this... if everyone were unemployed, there would be nothing to worry about at all”. A much higher minimum wage will also very likely be a part of the package.

Former Secretary of State and possible 2016 contender Hillary Clinton also has input into the process claiming that the only way to give everyone a “fair shot” at opportunity and success is to take it away from those who have it now and spread it around. “We will take things away from you for the common good”.

After 5 years of economic recovery the future looks bleak indeed, a depressed Christmas season already has casualties, with Macy's announcement of the elimination 2,500 jobs and closing several store locations.

“Businesses are eager to hire” the President said before the Press Office edited the statement “therefor me and some college professors will concoct a scheme to make it look like the economy is better”

An anonymous insider said that massive subsidies to corporations that hire people may very well be part of the plan, which means massive new borrowing and more national debt. Also under consideration was a mandate for every American to take out a $25,000 loan in order to boost consumer spending.

Critics have immediately labelled the announcement and possible plans as “insane”.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Exclusive: Obama has total amnesia

(Associated Posers) WASHINGTON DC- In the wake of the massive breakdown of the long-awaited, or long-dreaded, Obamacare website questions have been raised, the answers to which are even more troubling than originally thought. From the day after the inauguration of Barack Obama as President to today, the spectre of a man who doesn't remember yesterday but has his finger on the nuclear button.

It has become clear that Barack Obama has total amnesia. Sources indicate that each morning before breakfast he spends hours being briefed, not on the affairs of state and the latest diplomacy, but on who he is and who the people around him are, including his own family.

"Every morning he wakes up clueless, he spends at least ten or twenty minutes realizing that he in fact a human being and not a piece of the décor. We break out the family albums and we show him a video about his life, which include the highlights of his penultimate ascension to the Presidency." The source said "Yes, we do this every morning"

The source also indicates that golf trips are actually just a cover. These trips to Camp David are really times of more intense training and coaching because something important is going on. This explains why he takes golf excursions at the most vexing moments. "We didn't have time when Hillary let the Benghazi thing spiral out of control, and Valerie didn't want to send in the troops to help. We were really in a bad spot. Out of nowhere someone hit on the idea of blaming it all on some dumb video. It was sheer desperation, we hadn't give the President his daily briefing, I mean he thought he was a chair at the time Mitch Romney was taunting him"

The source indicated that the team handling Bo, the dog, was so unhappy that a new dog was brought in, stealing their thunder, that they threatened to tell all. "He had to cut them into the Stimulus slush fund to shut them up, of course it wasn't him, he isn't able to comprehend things like that. Michele and Valerie really make the decisions there since Hillary stopped coming by."

The source indicate that through all of this the administration has stayed the course, more or less. "They have done a masterful job of covering this up, even better than FDR did of hiding his disability."

The source suggested that on days where they let Obama be his "natural" self he is like a big child who "snokes and eats gummie worms" and that he "is fascinated by Nancy Pelosi's whiskers when she doesn't shave"

Asked how the country is supposed to absorb such information the source shrugged. "Look you got that little fish in that FINDING NEMO movie, right? People loved her, I heard she would star in the sequel. Barack Obama has the memory of a goldfish, people should love that too".

Obamacare Down

Remember those Mac vs PC commercials?

Well, now there is an online "ad" comparing the private sector to ObamaCare and it is pretty funny.

I'm ObamaCare - Down

Monday, August 5, 2013

Lindsay Graham: I will run as a woman

(Associated Posers) CHARLESTON, SC – South Carolina Senator Lindsay “Low-Hand” Graham announced today that he will run for re-election as a woman. Comparing himself to Margaret Thatcher and Evita Peron to be defiant n the face of a growing number of Republican Party challengers.

“Nancy Mace ain't all that” Lindsay Graham said with a snap “She won't be the only wo-man in this race!”

With news that Nancy Mace, Richard Cash and likely Libertarian State Senator Lee Bright will be challenging him in the GOP primary, it could become a struggle for the nomination, for a seat he has held since 2003. Some observers saying that Lindsay Graham coming out as a woman in a mans body was a “weak attempt to gather around 8 possible votes in the state”.

"I’m going to keep being a social and fiscal squishy that focuses on our national security, takes care of our incest... I mean our interests at home, like the Port of Charleston – blatant shout-out, working with my state officials and be a real classy woman like Sandra Fluke who will lap dance with a Tip O’Neill to solve America’s problems," Graham said Sunday on CNN's "State of the Union."

“That's the future of the Republican Party”

Devastating Terror Attack Rocks Detroit

(Associated Posers) DETROIT - In the midst of the United States shutting down embassies in 18 foreign countries due to what was described as a credible threat, Detroit has become the victim of a sudden attack. There are unconfirmed reports of widespread devastation all over the city of Detroit, possibly thousands of buildings are destroyed. The first pictures coming out of the Target Zone is shocking.

In what appears to be the worst terrorist attack in the history of the United States and possibly the world, it is clear that the 'War on Terrorism' has not been won. Despite President Obama saying that Al Qaeda is on the run, this bears all the hallmarks of a long-planned attack. This took deliberate and careful planning.

This websites asks President Obama to make it clear that the US should have a policy of finding and killing the people who did this to one of our major cities. This is unforgivable.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Fast Food Workers demanding Unemployment?

(Associated Posers) - Kansas City, Mo. - A crowd of demonstrators descended upon McDonald's locations in Kansas City, Mo. And other cities across the country demanding their wages be raised to $15 an hour.

“We can't survive on $8.25” said Rhodonda Shaniqua “MooMoo” Johnson “I can't afford my shoes”

A left-wing research organization claims that doubling the pay of employees would only add 68 cents to the price of a Big Mac. Observers warn, though, that if the salary is increased it will lead to more automation, fewer employees working at each location and lower sales.

“A lot of people might try to make a burger at home, they are likely to find out how much better it tastes when you make it yourself” said a customer.

“I’m barely making it, barely” said McDonald’s employee Jamiya Little, still chanting under a soaked red slicker. “I’m late on car payments. I’m late on late on everything. This is not enough.”

One franchise-owner, requesting anonymity had this to say “If we were paying $15 an hour, these people would be the last ones we would hire. There would be a lot better group of better to choose from and these people have no skills, they have no education, it is always a crap shoot if they show up on time or rob the till on the way out. If these people got their way, they'd be unemployed!”

Many of those picketing and demonstrating were not even employees.

The previous day, the group STL Can’t Survive on $7.25 – the minimum wage in Missouri – protested at several fast-food restaurants, including a McDonald’s in Ferguson.  Those employees that did choose to work Tuesday morning, instead of strike, got a start to their shift with a little bit of help from the East St. Louis Police. “We tried to get some of the employees to join us.  We need all the help we can get,” said McDonald’s employee Joseph Ryan.  He said he worked in nearby Belleville.  “They were afraid of losing their jobs.  It’s understandable.”

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Girl suspended after refusing to shower with boys

(Associated Posers) - Bellam, Massachusetts – When the new law on transgendered rights in schools was passed, 14-year old Hannah Johnson didn't think it would affect her too much. Just let people do what they want, isn't that what it was about?

That changed after PE class when she was getting ready to get into the showers and spotted a boy undressed in the locker room with her. “I was a bit shocked” she admitted “Since there was just one period to go, I decided to skip the shower. I am not going to shower with boys at school”

It was when Hannah complained to Principal Haram Reese Nelson, that things took a turn she had not expected. She explained that regular boys were pretending to be trannies to get into the girl facilities, because saying so was all they had to do. “They know their parents won't be told, they know they don't have to wear a dress or anything”.

“I was told that I had no choice” Hannah said “I was speechless”

The Superintendent of the Bellam School District said the new law was very clear in the matter “All student must affirm the transgendered. This student did not just fail to address the student as a girl, the chosen gender, but refused to use the facilities with the student in question. We had little choice but to suspend the student for 3 days and request a psychological evaluation.”

Hannah's mother Jessica Johnson was surprised by the suspension and outraged by the psychological evaluation. “My daughter is more sane than they are, they are the ones who are mentally ill”. She tried to get her daughter excused from sharing bathroom, lockers and showers with male students who deemed themselves transgendered but was shot down.

After that meeting with the principal the police showed up and escorted Jessica Johnson and her husband Hank away. “I wasn't even told where they were taken” Hannah said “but I was told that Child Protective Services are investigating whether my parents are unfit.”

Hannah convinced an uncle to file a complaint with the local court, but to no avail.

After the suspension was lifted, Hannah went back to school but waited outside in the hall until a transgender student had finished before she entered. This was seen by a teacher and the next thing Hannah knew she was being escorted out of the school in handcuffs. She was soon charged with a “hate crime” violation for failing to affirm the status of the transgender students.

“They are faking it” A tearful Hannah said “Half the boys in school were planning to declare themselves trannies because they wanted to shower with the girls, it's a huge ridiculous joke. You have boy parts you use the boy facilities that were made for it, it's not hard to understand”

Meanwhile her parents Jessica and Hank Johnson have appeared before the school board offering a written apology for their and their daughters behavior.

“We just want to put this whole thing behind us” Hank said “Including this whole state”

Sequester hits US, demonstrations rock Portugal

Hundred thousand march against Austerity in Portugal rally

(Associated Posers) – LISBON, Portugal – Up to a half million demonstrators in Lisbon and cities across Portugal rallied against a Eurozone bailout of more than $103 Billion. Portugal is to cut its deficit to 4.5% of GDP this year, a target that might not be reachable with an economy set to contract by two percent.

The march included groups of teachers, healthcare workers and pensioners who have been especially hard hit by the budget cuts.

After cutting salaries and pension benefits in 2012, the government this year has declared a general tax increase and expects to impose further cuts of some four billion euros.

“We do not accept the math. We refuse to concede that our country cannot run massive deficits forever without adverse effects” said one of the leaders of the massive demonstration. “The enemy today is a government bent on 'living within its means' and the internationalists offering this bailout package! We do not need or want it, we must keep spending at all costs!”

"This demonstration is a clear sign that 'the troika' and the government are not wanted in this country," said Joao Semedo, the leader of a far-left bloc. “We reject this reality and will live in our own”.

A banner held aloft at the march showed a picture of Prime Minister Pedro Passos Coelho with the caption: "Today I am in the street, tomorrow it will be you."

Sequestor comes to America

President Obama signed the orders to make cuts in the budget amounting to less than two percent of the annual federal budget. He must find cuts of about $22 billion in the $3.8 trillion the federal government was set to spend before the end of the fiscal year in October.

After weeks and months of dire warnings from the government that were highlighted by the media, no deal could be reached with the opposition Republicans despite a heated, grueling 7-minute meeting with Congressional leaders before he took a golf vacation.

Republicans accuse the White House of over-exaggerating the spending cuts, which they point out is simply a reduction in the rate of growth. “Saying that planes will fall out of the sky, that women and children will be thrown in the streets, that police and fire departments and schools will close was all nothing more than scare tactics of the dirtiest kind.” said Congressman Pwn of Tennessee.

Meanwhile Representative Maxine Waters said that sequestration would cause “170 million” Americans to lose their jobs.

The Washington DC school district is set to lose as much as 0.006% of it's funding and schools in Virginia might lose upwards of 0.02%.

“These massive draconian cuts will lave our children behind” said liberal commentator Piers Morgan to his 80,000 or so viewers.