Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Surviving in New York City

(Associated Posers)- NEW YORK CITY, New York – Rodney Jackson sits in his darkened Queens apartment, huddled in blankets, listening to a portable radio given to him by a friend. He says his food supply and patience is wearing thin. The first floor of his building has a few feet of standing water.

“I have done everything I was supposed to” he says “I don't think this is how it's supposed to be”

His kitchen counter is littered with opened food cans and boxes, no chance to take out the trash and recycling with the storm raging. The power is out and Rodney wonders how his friends are doing, but he believes that the City of New York has his back.

“Big storms require big government” he says, repeating the mantra from the New York Times “But why does it have to be so slow, so inefficient, so inflexible?”

Rodney has faith that Mayor Bloomberg and President Obama will be there, delivering aid door to door, but the wait is already wearing thin. “This got old real quick” he says “I'm starting to understand my friends who went out looting last night”

Meanwhile a couple blocks away Samuel Sculley sits on the roof of an apartment building drinking coffee as a small generator sends power into his rooftop apartment. “The air has never felt so clean” he said sarcastically before the wind shifted and smoke from a fire comes.

Sculley has a well stocked supply closet, or rather the second bedroom has become a prepper's dream cupboard. “I have enough food to last me for months alone” he said “I know that the government would call me a hoarder or a possible domestic terrorist for having two soup cans to rub together, but I think a person should prepare themselves for disasters. You can't rely on others to save you”

“The subways are flooded, of course, and this hampers travel. The food stores were cleaned out by panic buyers, this leads to fear. Imagine showing up to buy food for your family and finding bare shelves, it'd be frightening. New York City is not self-sufficient, if a large scale disaster strikes, we'd probably all starve eventually” he explained “Those who didn't prepare an escape anyway”.

He wonders if New Yorkers and others didn't prepare properly because they have relied on government for so long. “I don't want to know what would happen if the EBT cards don't work in a few days. Things are bad enough as it is. Could you imagine if every place was as vulnerable as parts of this city? There wouldn't be enough help possible, thank goodness most people don't live like that, the death toll would be a lot higher than it is.”

The storm was a category 1, a weak hurricane. The size of the storm and the amount of precipitation is what got the attention. “Katrina was worse, really. If Katrina his New York City, yikes”

He says if it had been that bad he had an escape route. “I'm not going to stick around and wait for the Hunger Games to begin. People who think government is going to make everything better are the ones who sitting in the dark waiting for Nanny Vans with food to show up.” He said as he began preparing dinner of formerly frozen steak and canned vegetables.

“I am not waiting for FEMA”

Rodney Jackson and his neighbor Belinda Ramirez await word from the City on where the best shelters and feeding locations will be set up. Belinda wonders whether her sister will still get the dialysis she needs but “I haven't been able to talk to her today”.

“I went to the grocery store before it hit but everything was already gone. There was nothing left, I've never seen anything like that before. Made my stomach hurt. How can this happen? How can they let something like that happen?” Belinda Ramirez asked.

“Must have been a real shock” Rodney answered, comforting her. “It's just unreal. Unnatural to allow the stores to go empty, people gotta eat, dang hoarders!”

Meanwhile Samuel Sculley takes a different view “You have to take responsibility for your own life and your own survival. No-one else cares about you as much as you do, you will never be anyone else's highest priority in times of trouble”.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Postpone Election, Mayor Says

(Associated Posers) – Richport, Maine – Although far outside of any danger zone from hurricane Sandy the incumbent mayor of Richport, Rodney Johnstone, is calling for elections to be post-poned for several weeks. “We will be getting heavy rains, possibly hail, for days. Roads will be flooded, trees will be down. People will not be able to reach polling locations”.

The mayor is polling several points behind challenger Henry Morgan who is already confident of a victory. He says the mayor's call for delaying the election is “a ridiculous attempt to buy time”.

Sandy, which is barely a hurricane won't be making landfall anywhere near Maine and definitely not as far north as Richport. The town residents have been taking the storm in stride, although local grocers have noticed a definite uptick in sales.

“People aren't stupid” grocery store manager Dan Wilkins said “While we don't expect anything too bad, we do know how to take care of ourselves. People weren't born yesterday.”

Columnist Andy Gernstein of the Richport-based Maine Voice says the idea of delaying the election is an attempt at an “October Surprise”. He says it won't work because Richport residents won't think they are in any real danger from Sandy. The editor and publisher of the Voice, Mathew Lockhardt, who supports the mayors re-election, agrees on this issue. “Yes, I admit this is ridiculous. I hope he isn't too serious, I hope the mayor was kidding really”.

Ann Tomlinson, leader of Occupy Richport, said “Not delaying the election in the face of this massive storm, this disaster, is tantamount to stealing the election. To try and deny this reality and expect people to come out and vote in the cold, driving rain is an attempt to keep the poor and minorities from voting. Not everyone can afford a coat”.

Tomlinson was also in the news recently when she got herself arrested for defecating on a Richport municipal police car and living in the copse of trees in the median of the main road through town.

“She's nuts” said Tom's Hardware owner Tom Dugan “She lived there, between those six trees for more than a month. She had homemade signs and said she was taking it to 'the man' and carrying signs and flashing traffic. It was hideous, she ain't much to look at”.

The office of the Maine Secretary of State declined an official comment. It did say they had no intention of delaying the election.

Friday, October 26, 2012

GM Blames "Bias" for Lagging Sales, Revenue

(Associated Posers) – DETROIT – Some high-level executives are feeling down about some of the after-effects of the so-called “bailout”. They said they miscalculated public reaction in accepting the terms dictated from Washington.

“Apparently there is a bias in this country, very widespread, that people believe a business should earn its revenue by selling products or services” said one executive who requested anonymity “We were under the impression that once the people understood they were all part-owners of the company that they would take pride in it”.

Instead of rightly appreciating the government taking their money and buying up 25% of General Motors, many people were upset at having to prop-up a failing business. GM executives were totally caught off guard by the ridicule of them being called “Government Motors” and worse. Rather than taking pride that GM had taken its place alongside the Statue of Liberty and the Washington Monument as icons of the US, they were seen as corporate welfare hogs.

Since the bailout the company has shed costs by building vehicles in Mexico and other countries, ended production of some brands and closed dealerships. The company also continued to build the money-losing Chevy Volt because of the requirement of their new biggest shareholder-the government, despite bottom of the barrel sales.

“This bias that some Americans have is paradoxically hurting our effort to buy our stock back from the government. They are making it harder for us to undo what they dislike. Those who opposed to the bailout are the ones at fault for making this drag on” the unnamed official complained “These haters would rather by a second-hand Toyota or a Kia than a GM product and they are hurting the bottom line. We might need the government to solve this problem”

When asked what the government could do about consumer preferences the GM official pointed to the Supreme Court ruling that allowed government to mandate the purchase of health insurance, saying it could just as easily mandate the purchase of a car. The revenue from this forced sale could fund the giving away of vehicles to the poor.

“Being a part-owned by the government, like Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac or the Postal Service might be a good solution, it would allow all kinds of interesting things to happen” he said, “We even have a sub-compact design that is environmentally friendly that could be built to give away to those too poor to buy a mandated vehicle”

The vehicle in question the Federally Approved Required Tract Rover, FART Rover, would not need to pass crash test or safety standards because semi-public GM could get those standards waived.

“We can dream up all kinds of ways to save this company” the GM official said “Unfortunately, this will only happen if the consumer bias against public ownership is overcome in this election. It won't happen if Mitt Romney wins, I think we all know that”

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Politics of a Terror Attack & Cover-Up (no satire)

It was Obama himself who denied additional security to the embassy in Benghazi, Libya not Hillary Clinton as many had suspected. New emails and documents have shown that not only did the President and the administration know that this was a terrorist attack – while it was still happening – bit that absolutely nothing was done about it. The security was denied only because it would be admitting that the world was a more dangerous place. There was an election coming up and if they admitted this, it might hurt his re-election chances.

The State Department had even issued a traveled advisory warning people that Benghazi was dangerous with real threats of political violence and assassinations in August. Yet the White House continued to allow the Benghazi mission to be almost completely undefended. Intelligence e-mails before and after the attack have surfaced that show that the situation was well known.

When Barack Obama was informed of the violence at the Benghazi mission he went to bed. The attack lasted between 6 and 8 hours. During that time, an unarmed drone was reportedly launched, allowing real-time images and video to be seen by intelligence officials and the White House. Still, nothing was done through the assault and murder of 4 Americans including Ambassador Stevens.

The next morning challenger Mitt Romney openly wondered why the administration was silent on the attack and condemned the terrorism in Benghazi Libya and why the Cairo embassy seemed to apologize to the attackers. The White House went after Romney, saying he didn't know what he was talking about. This was the first instance where the administration seemingly denied that an organized terror attack took place.

For days the Obama administration kept the attention of a compliant press on the Romney “gaffe” as they worked on their next distraction. They could not politically allow the issue to become a foreign policy disaster.

The President then boarded Air Force One for a trip to Las Vegas for a multi-million dollar fund-raiser, giving the President hours to review the information on Benghazi. If the reports of the drone over Benghazi are true, then he likely had access to that aerial video as well.

Within days the administration would be openly castigating the Youtube video “Innocence of Muslims” and blaming it for causing a large protest that turned violent in Benghazi. We now know that there was no protest in Benghazi before the attack.

On September 16, five days later, UN Secretary Susan Rice on CBS saying …

“But based on the best information we have to date, what our assessment is as of the present is in fact what began spontaneously in Benghazi as a reaction to what had transpired some hours earlier in Cairo where, of course, as you know, there was a violent protest outside of our embassy–


SUSAN RICE: –sparked by this hateful video. But soon after that spontaneous protest began outside of our consulate in Benghazi, we believe that it looks like extremist elements, individuals, joined in that– in that effort with heavy weapons of the sort that are, unfortunately, readily now available in Libya post-revolution. And that it spun from there into something much, much more violent.”

Two days later Jay Carney said “MR. CARNEY: No, I’m saying that based on information that we — our initial information, and that includes all information — we saw no evidence to back up claims by others that this was a preplanned or premeditated attack; that we saw evidence that it was sparked by the reaction to this video. And that is what we know thus far based on the evidence, concrete evidence — not supposition — concrete evidence that we have thus far”

“Based on the information that we have now, it was — there was a reaction to the video — there was protests in Cairo, then followed by protests elsewhere, including Benghazi, and that that was what led to the original unrest. The other factors here — all factors — but the other factors here, including participants in the unrest, participants in the violence, are under investigation”

The President himself, in front of the United Nations, continued the theme almost two weeks after the attack. “The future does not belong to those who blaspheme the prophet of Islam” - a clear reference to the Youtube video.

So why did the administration continue to go down that road when they clearly knew it was not true? Their actions and accusations about the video likely sparked deadly riots in other countries, like Pakistan. 23 people reportedly died in Pakistan riots while a paid TV ad by Obama and Hillary Clinton apologized to them for the offensive video.

So the admin had to keep downplaying the events and the impact. The four deaths were simply “bumps in the road” or it was “not optimal”. Anything to keep from having to answer the hard questions of why it had spiraled out of control.

Was it all a cover-up of their failure to provide more security to the embassy, which might affect his chances at being re-elected?

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Muslims Offer Support for Obama

(Associated Posers) - Many in the Middle East believe Barack Obama failed to deliver on promises of a new U.S. approach in the region but still prefer him to presidential rival Mitt Romney, who they see as too close to Israel and too keen to project U.S. military might. Compounding the challenge, the Middle East is a region where perceptions of fading U.S. influence have been hardened by Arab uprisings that have toppled dictators who were longtime U.S. allies, bringing Islamists in their place. "I am one of those who is very much disappointed with Obama," said Hassan Nafaa a professor at Cairo University.

“He did try to spare Muslim feelings by blaming the attack in Benghazi on an infidel, he gets brownie points for that, although his highlighting an offensive video did cause massive deadly riots in many cities”

"He didn't deliver ... But I think he is much better than Romney," said Nafaa, who listened to the Cairo speech in June 2009. "I don't appreciate at all the right wing in the United States with their preference to use extensive military force. We saw the contortions that Barack Obama will go through to support the Muslim Brotherhood and this is pleasing to us.”

Much of the Middle East has changed dramatically during Obama's first term. But the upheavals of the "Arab Spring" that ousted entrenched autocrats in Tunisia, Egypt, Yemen and Libya were driven by the street rather than U.S. policy, even if U.S. and European warplanes assisted Libyan rebels.

Far from winning praise, some Egyptian activists criticized Obama's administration for being slow to embrace the change. “He has stiffed Israel's dog Netahnayhu, but he did not support our Islamic revolution and Sharia governments quick enough to suit our tastes. Obama was too easy on Mubarak at points and the American administration did not play a full role in supporting the Egyptian revolution," said Mohamed Adel, a spokesman for the April 6 movement that was at the forefront of the 2011 uprising that toppled Hosni Mubarak after 30 years in power.

But he said Romney was not an attractive alternative for Egypt or the region, describing him as more "aggressive" and citing the Republican's threats to U.S. aid to Egypt during September protests at the U.S. embassy over an anti-Islam film.

Yet Iraq is one place where Obama has had an impact by withdrawing U.S. troops, although Romney has accused the president of being too hasty.

That was acknowledged by Alaa al-Saadoun, an Iraqi Kurdish lawmaker. "The work Obama did withdrawing American forces from Iraq made a difference. If the Republicans were in power, they would not have left," he said “Without this action it would have been impossible for Iran to supply and support the Assad administration in Syria. Iranian convoys now have free passage since the US troops are gone”.

But even as that military intervention was ended, Obama has ordered U.S. drones to kill militants in Yemen and Pakistan, enraging many in the region. Romney has backed this action.

“We have to give Barack Obama a mixed grade, maybe an Incomplete” said Ashwari Al-Abdel , a journalist “While we think he is much better than Mitt Romney, the Bush Clone, he is still doing too much to placate the infidels in his country. Hopefully in a second term, free of political constraints he can fully show us his support, that is our fervent hope”.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

OSCE to Monitor US Election on Zombie Rights

(Associated Posers) – WASHINGTON DC – While some Republicans worry about the long lists of deceased or illegal voters being registered across while many foreign-based military personnel aren't being given the opportunity the vote, the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe is sending 150 'observers' to keep an eye on Republicans.

“We will report any efforts to suppress the free and fair vote” said Herman Gehring-Hess “In that vein, we have recruited observers from Cuba, North Korea and Myanmar to assure a fair polling”

Already some Republican governors have moved to block foreign election observers, saying it is treasonous to let foreigners decide the election. Mississippi Governor Bryant said he would do what it took to keep foreigners from influence the vote. This has brought condemnation from La Raza who accused Bryant of “intimidating” undocumented Americans.

The OSCE also reported that moves in Texas, Florida and other states to deny the vote to zombies and dead voters was “antithetical” to democracy. “Denying the vote based on status of living or dead is an insipid form of discrimination.”

Hugo Gomez, observer from Cuba agreed “Limiting the voter pool to living, legal citizens is a debasement of real democracy. We applaud those courts that have stated this and encourage authorities to follow these rulings.”

Li Sun An of Myanmar explained “While the US is supposedly a first tier country, the election system it employs is far beneath world standards. The US needs to learn from countries like Cuba, North Korea, China, Venezuela and others in this regard.”

The OSCE monitors are focusing on Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania. “This is where we believe the Republicans will try to steal the election by denying the vote to so-called 'zombies', those voters who are deceased” sad Hugo Gomez.

“We have come at the behest of civil society organizations concerned that the voice of the people might be suppressed by those Republicans in power. The Black Panthers, AARP, Occupy America, Organizing for America, New America Foundation and the Obama administration and other reasonable moderate organizations. There is more than reasonable evidence to suggest the Republicans plan to challenge the right of the dead and foreigners to participate. For instance there are reports in the New York Times

When asked about states not sending absentee ballots to military personnel overseas the OSCE observers were dismissive. “These are able-bodied people, we have no concern about those who take these tours willingly.”

“We are most concerned with purging of electoral rolls” Gomez said “It is obvious they want to deny the vote to those who have passed on through no fault of their own”

Saturday, October 20, 2012

President Obama Claims Economy 'Roaring Back'

(Associated Posers) – WASHINGTON DC – Many people missed it in the first debate when President Obama said that his policies have made the average American better off enough to buy a new car or a computer. Despite the fact that those average American incomes are down by more than a few thousand dollars and prices for everything from food, electricity and gasoline have increased- some by a lot.

The claim was hardly mentioned after the debate through all the hoopla about how challenger Mitt Romney “won” the debate, but the fact is that the claim has not gone away. So how exactly does President Obama define “better off”, some observers are wondering?

The price of gasoline was a major point of attacking George Bush and Republicans in 2008 but the President now claims that gas prices being twice as high is a sign of a better economy. Economists are flummoxed by the notion, saying it makes no logical sense. “Gas prices were getting higher four years ago and he claims it was an economic mess, but now the same thing is a good sign?”

Harkening back to the 2008 campaign Barack and Michele Obama denounced the notion that higher income meant “better off”. They, instead, encouraged people to join non-profit organizations or activist organizations, even if they would be paid less, “to make a difference”. They denounced the notion of making more money being the “American Dream” as “middle class-ism”.

With new economic figures showing that more people are using Medicare and Medicaid than there are full time private sector workers, the cost of entitlements are almost certainly going to be a defining issue in the 2016 election. Observer Leon Hartsky, of the Hartskey Institute says “It is not optimal to have more people receiving than people giving. The people paying for all of this face a heavier and heavier burden until they decide to shrug it off”.

As America watches subsidized corporations fall into bankruptcy after receiving large amounts of taxpayer money, often without producing a product, many are starting to wonder if this policy makes any sense at all.

“Solyndra is just the tip of the iceberg. These companies get massive amounts of taxpayers money, their executives are well paid for a while and then the companies shut down. Does this make any sense for any reason besides politics?” One economist asked “He highlights these corporate handouts as 'saving the environment' but often we are funding these companies that produce no useful products whatsoever”.

“Taking money out of the economy to subsidize unproductive ventures is extremely wasteful but it also shifts investment away from where it might do some real good” Leon Hartsky explained “All this does is give some politicians a very temporary talking point or photo-op about 'creating jobs' where none exist except phantom jobs funded by taxpayers. Many of these 'jobs' cost a million or more each”.

Observers suggest rather than roaring back that the economy is teetering on the brink of disaster and the end of the Bush tax cuts could push it over the top. “Even the lowest tax bracket will see their tax rate increase from 10% to 15%” one said “This is obviously not a 'tax on the rich' unless he defines rich as anyone with a real job.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Jesse Jackson Jr: Mental Illness

(Associated Posers) – CHICAGO, Illinois – United States Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. admits what many observers have suspected for years. That he is mentally ill. The admission comes as federal corruption investigators tighten the screws trying to find out how much money he took in improper influence-peddling schemes.

A former associate said he is confused that JJJ went into politics “He has never been very good with people, I was never sure he ever really liked people”. Another said Jackson would prance around the sauna naked, dancing and singing to himself. “He was flamboyant for a guy who is supposed to be straight”. The former associate also admitted that “Trey-J” as his “homies” call him often “threw down the bossest parties with powder and expensive ladies not that cheap crack or skinny trunk stuff”

Although Jackson is not “actively” campaigning to regain his seat he is still spending money on campaign advertising at about the same rate as his opponents. Jackson is expected to retain the seat in his heavily Democrat district.

The source added Jackson, who is being treated for bipolar disorder during his four-month absence from work, is trying “to stay focused and calm to enhance his treatment and is just following doctor’s orders.” Jackson, who is also being investigated by the Feds, sees his doctor twice a day.

Meanwhile Illinois Governor Patrick Quinn says he sees no reason why Jackson should resign his seat. In an interview broadcast by NBC Chicago television, Quinn called his fellow Democrat "a friend" and said he saw no reason why Jackson's absence while being treated for bipolar disorder should interfere with having his name on the November ballot.

Jackson was treated for at least six weeks at the Mayo Clinic this summer for bipolar disorder, according to his congressional office. On September 7, his office said he had been released from the clinic and returned to his home in Washington but had not returned to work.

Asked if Jackson might be too mental ill to serve in Washington his spokesperson answered “He's a Democrat and he fits right in, it's hard to tell a sane Democrat from one who is mentally incompetent. I mean, just look at Vice Presdent Joe Biden, he is an inspiration to the mentally ill community”. The Democrat Party of Illinois says that "crazy" is not a good excuse to keep someone out of Congress or off the bench if they are a judge.

Jesse Jackson Jr., 47, is the son of Reverend Jesse Jackson.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

A Republican appears at ObamaFest 2012

(Associated Posers)- LONG ISLAND, New York – Mitt Romney showed up on time at an Obama campaign rally held at Hoefstra University. Obama sycophant Candy Crowley led the so-called “debate” in as pro-Obama manner as possible, filling in for the role of his missing TelePrompTer.

At one point Republican candidate Mitt Romney accused the President of taking almost two weeks before he called the attack in Benghazi, Libya a “terrorist attack”. Obama and the moderator said this was not true. “Get the transcript” Obama said, in what was almost surely a scripted move, because Candy Crowley just happened to have one, although from a faulty source- the administration.

On Que Michele Obama led the applause for the President from the “undecided audience” that was later revealed to almost all be Obama 2008 voters. The problem was that Romney was correct, but Crowley only admitted this after the program when tens of millions of eyeballs were no longer watching.

Even with the deck stacked against Mitt Romney and being inundated with so many falsehoods that he couldn't challenge all of them, he still managed to virtually tie the President according to insta-polls from the TV networks. On the economy NBC gave Romney the win by a 54-40 margin. President Obama continued to argue that people were doing better than they were four years ago, contrary to all evidence.

The so-called moderator Candy Crowley interrupted Mitt Romney 28 times and President Obama only 8 times, usually to helpfully offer liberal talking points.

CBS Instapolls said Obama narrowly "won" overall, but on the issues it came out as... Economy: Romney wins 58-40% Health care: Romney wins 49-46%. Taxes: Romney wins 51-44%. Deficit: Romney wins 49-36%. Strong leader: Romney wins 49-46%.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Stupid People: A Global Phenomenon

(Associated Posers) - SEOUL, South Korea - Everyone has seen third world countries collapse their economies like Zimbabwe, Argentina and the way Venezuela seems to be doing. We all have seen how fiscally irresponsible Europe and the United States have become. Rushing head-long into brick walls over and over and expecting different results.


France is ready to jump-start economic collapse by electing a President who immediately launched the 75% income tax. You can hear business owners and wealthy individuals scramble for the exits. The result is going to be less money moving around, less money invested, fewer jobs, less revenue and a lowering of the standard of living. It is as obvious as rain.

Then you have the European sovereign debt crisis as countries try to get a handle on the runaway spending. Or at least pretend to. They could easily become Zimbabwe writ large.

You have China, its government knows it is in trouble. With exports down due to the global economic slowdown they did the worst possible thing they could have done. They went on a "stimulus" spending spree building entire cities that lie dormant, massive public works projects. The result is that their hollow-shell economy is cracking like a Fabergé egg being stepped on by a horse.

Imagine that you live in a country under the gun of a hostile neighbour, literally miles from embedded artillery emplacements. You see the world in a death spiral due to unconstrained debt spending, especially spent on the unproductive sectors. Your hostile pal to the north is a "workers paradise" where 99% of the population live in grinding poverty without access to suitable healthcare or even food and water.

Meanwhile your nation is a top-7 economy. Your nation enjoys freedom. Your leaders are elected. Your media is free to criticize them. Your people are free to choose their own education and employment opportunities. A country where 97% graduate from high school.

But somehow, after just a few years of recession you are willing to chuck it all for the "feel-good" notion of "welfare for all". You have to understand that this is how the totalitarian state to your north came to be. You have to know that this idea is unworkable in the long-term. You have to know that this will change your nation for the worst for decades to come, at least.

This simply proves that stupid people can exist everywhere. That people exist who will toss common sense and sanity for catchy slogans and shallow, hollow ideals of "equality" or whatever.

But hardly anywhere will you see such rank stupid on display as this one:

Tax the 1% Rich; Welfare for the 99%

Does anyone really think it is possible for 99% to be on welfare? Seriously? Don't they know that people try to escape from countries that attempt these idiotic ideals?

Monday, October 15, 2012

President Vows More Funds for "Green" Companies

(Associated Posers) – MIAMI, Florida- President Barack Obama beat back criticism of his “green energy” policies by vowing to increase funding for solar and wind projects. Under attack for spending $90 billion on subsidizing by Republican challenger Mitt Romney on companies, many of which have gone bankrupt, the President was steadfast in defense.

“By the way, yes, my plan will reduce the carbon pollution that is eating our planet because climate change is not a hoax,” Obama said at a campaign rally at the Bank United Arena at the University of Miami. “More droughts and hurricanes and wildfires, that’s not a joke. That’s a threat to our children’s future, and we can do something about it.”

This week, the House Energy and Commerce Committee announced it is seeking information from the Department of Energy about a $400 million loan to Abound Solar, which recently filed for bankruptcy. Abound was the fifth stimulus-funded green energy firm and the third to file for bankruptcy after Solyndra and Beacon Power. Obama vowed to pay for the subsidies by taking away tax breaks to oil companies. Oil companies are not subsidized, they simply receive the same tax benefits other manufacturers get.

“Economists like to point out that fossils fuel energies provide real jobs and cheaper energy without the need for taxpayer support” said a White House spokesperson “The problem is that there is no political control there. Who's in charge when companies aren't getting run by Washington? It's anarchy. Besides these green energy executives are Obama supporters and they are paid very well through these subsidies. They need the subsidies because they are not likely to ever produce products people actually want to pay for.”

Climate scientist Arlen Binford, who points out that he receives no government grants and so is unbiased points to “global warming” as the present hoax. “30 years ago it was global cooling and overpopulation, we were all supposed to be dead by now” he said “The fact is that the world was warmer 2,000 years ago than it is today. They were growing vineyards in northern England for crying out loud.”

Newest polls show Obama leading Mitt Romney by 3%*, as he continues to energize his supporters following a big win by Joe Biden over Republican VP prospect Paul Ryan. His move to take Florida away from the Republicans is aimed at making all of the other swing state result meaningless.

“If we get Florida, we got this” said spokeswoman Stephanie Cutter.

*- (Poll results are =/- 8%... sample was 44% D/ 35% R and 21% I)

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Sunday Funny

Can You Spot The Mistake on This South Korean Home Store Advertisement

Pretty funny.


Friday, October 12, 2012

Meet The Swing Voters Who Will Decide This Election

(Associated Posers) - MARIETTA, Ohio – The Presidential campaign appears extremely close and there is even talk of an electoral college tie, which would throw the whole thing to the US House of Representatives. The consensus among political watchdogs points at Ohio as the ultimate swing state in this election, the winner of Ohio could very well win the White House. Both Republican challenger Mitt Romney and incumbent President Barack Obama, the Democrat, are campaigning heavily in the state.

There are several possible swing districts within this swing state but the 6th district could be the one that moves the whole state from one candidate or to the other. Representative Ben Johnson (R) took the seat from 2-term incumbent Charlie Wilson in 2010, a big year for Republicans, but this year Wilson is fighting to get his seat back.

Within this district is Marietta, a town of about 14,000 people. This is coal country and the Obama administration has made people upset with his “war on coal” as some call it. A lot of Ohioans in the coal industry are out of work and many know their jobs could be on the line.

One such local is almost certainly going to be the voter who puts one candidate over the top and thus the election. At 555 West Montgomery Street, just a block from the Old Saint Mary Cemetery is a light blue wood framed house belonging to Robert Surrey, 38, who works at the Washington County Fairgrounds but complains the job is only part time.

“Everyone is being made part time” he said grumpily “That ObamaCare thing and the mandates are causing it. On the other hand, my daddy and his daddy have always been Democrats”

Another possible swing voter in this swing town, in this swing district, in this swing state could be Stephanie Cutter. She claims to be an independent although admits she works in the public sector, but declined to give specifics.

“Barack Obama has been a good President” she said “I don't take issue, really, with the lies and cover-ups, it's all in the name of national security after all. You can't trust the Republicans, they have a tendency to say what they really believe and then keep their promises. That is just not something we should look for in a politician.”

Asked how that makes her an independent she answers “Well, it looks like I might lose my job for political reasons. I may be thrown under the bus because of my outspoken support for funding Big Bird and that Benghazi isn't a real issue, just a Romney talking point. If that happens, I might not vote for the President”.

At the Papa John's Pizza near Don Schaly Stadium, we ran across Mitch Connor who recently lost his job as a contractor for a coal mining company. He told us that his union had split from the national organizations and supported Mitt Romney.

“The President is spending, taxing and regulating this country into the poor house” he said “It's pretty obvious on this side of unemployment”

Down Pike Street in this picturesque riverside town we came across Nelly Walker at the K-Mart who told us that she has several “Obama Phones” and absolutely thinks the President is doing a great job for the country.

“I have several dogs and kids and I have registered them all to vote several times” she said proudly “I've got a good two dozen votes for Obama. We do right by Obama and he will do right by us. We can't let those racists put our people back in chains, like Joe Biden said they will and we can't let them ban tampons and kill Big Bird neither!”

“President Obama pulled this country back from the brink” she said “Sure, unemployment is higher now, gas and food prices are higher and food stamps me and the dogs get don't go so far but I'm getting another dog to make up for it”.

Will one of these people be the voter who chooses the next President?

Thursday, October 11, 2012

The Winner Is.... (No Satire Version)

RNC: Biden interrupted Paul Ryan 82 times

(Associated Posers)- Gesticulating and waving his arms like a mad-man throughout much of the debate, Vice President Joe Biden and moderator Martha Raddatz interrupted and talked over Republican Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan continuously. Pointlessly aggressive for no apparent reason, Joe Biden also giggled and acted exasperated by the answers Paul Ryan gave- before he gave them.

On the hot issue of security for the consulate in Benghazi, Libya Vice President Biden directly contradicted his own administration and the documented facts. "We weren't told they wanted more security. We did not know they wanted more security there," Biden said

In fact is the consulate had requested security so many times that the State Department told them to stop it.

The Raddatz-Biden tag team did not try to match Paul Ryan for command of facts, instead they relied on the "tried and true" pattern of talking the opponent down and trying to throw him off balance. Paul Ryan proved pretty much unflinching in these moments, if not able to quite beat back the duo.

Immediate comments on twitter and other sites showed that viewers thought Biden was coming across as "creepy" and often "insane". Critical comments directed at Paul Ryan included words like "wimp" and "weak".

The overall lack of seriousness by Joe Biden probably caught a lot of viewers off-guard, the smirk, the laughing- are not real appropriate when discussing things like high unemployment, terrorist attacks and religion.

CNN’s Gloria Berger said that she would have liked Biden to show less “condescension” and “eye-rolling.”

Even MSNBC’s Chris Wallace — who thought that Biden won the debate — said that Biden “was openly contemptuous and disrespectful” of Ryan.

If you think that Vice President Biden had to shut down the debate with constant interruptions, then Biden won. If you tuned in for facts and substance, then Biden might as well have been replaced by a hand puppet.

Admin: Never Blamed Video for Libya Massacre

(Associated Posers) – WASHINGTON DC – Appearing on CNN's Piers Morgan program Democrat National Committee Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz defended the administration's handling of the Benghazi terror attack aftermath. When asked about the several different stories put forth by the administration she denied any of them were lies.

When Morgan pointed out that these explanations were completely wrong Schultz responded by saying “Well that doesn't mean it was false”.

Host Piers Morgan had to call her on it. “What?! Now wait a minute. If you put out a false statement, then it's false, it's wrong. It's both of those things.”

“The words mean exactly what we mean them to say when we say them” Schultz responded “There is no other meaning to confer onto them. You can not hold me or this administration to our past statements and promises. That would be racist.”

The US State Department now denies blaming the Benghazi terror incident on a 'protest' caused by a Youtube video, despite statements by the Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and UN Ambassador Susan Rice. The government now admits there was no protest held. Charles Krauthammer responded to the idea that the government denies blaming the video on Fox News Special Report.

“So everything that Susan Rice said was a confection, it was an invention. And as you showed, it was repeated again and again. You had Hillary Clinton speaking about the video as the body of the ambassador was lying next to her. Then you had Susan Rice spinning the tails. You had the president of the United States addressing the General Assembly more than two weeks later talking about the video, the insult to Islam, et cetera. You have this entire story going all along.”

For more than a week the US government seemed to squarely place the blame on a Youtube video for the violence in Benghazi that left 4 Americans dead at an undefended consulate. The consulate had requested more security and were denied each time.

At the UN President Obama mentioned it in passing saying “The future does not belong to those who blaspheme Islam”

Ambassador Susan Rice now says “Sure, we said and did all that but we always had that caveat that an official explanation will follow the investigation. Those were just personal opinions, not official government statements. We can say all we want as long is there s that caveat in there to cover out asses should we be lying through our teeth like were doing”.

Meanwhile, Jen Psaki who testified in front of Congress defending blaming the video “Innocence of Muslims” was quite snarky on Air Force One en-route to another fundraiser. She said President was the only candidate in the race who is fighting for Big Bird. About 6% of Sesame Street's budget comes from government.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Lohan joins K-Pop Band? News Briefs for 10-10-2012

News Briefs

Lindsay Lohan goes Korean?

(Associated Posers) – LOS ANGELES, California – Lindsay Lohan, 26, is set to audition for a spot in a Korean pop music (K-Pop) girl group called "Just Say Oh". After fleeing her home in the aftermath of police visits and reportedly accusing her mom of using cocaine, Lindsay and her mom Dina apparently got into an altercation after mom didn't pay back a $40,000 loan, which was to be used to save their $1.29 million home from foreclosure.

Some believe the whole thing won't go anywhere and that the band is looking for publicity. A spokesperson for the band "Just Say Oh" ("juseyo" in Korean means "Please, give me") said they had no comment at this time.

Turkey forces Syrian plane to land

(Associated Posers) – ANKARA, Turkey – A Syrian airliner flying from Russia was forced to land in Ankara by Turkish Air Force F-16 because they suspected the aircraft was funneling weapons to the Syrian government. The Turkish government says they found what they suspect are missile parts. Syria and Turkey have traded cross-border artillery strikes.

Okahoma boy, 7, receives Nobel Prize

(Associated Posers) – OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma – Toby Jacobson was as surprised as everyone else when he was awarded a Nobel Prize for his “future potential to benefit society”. The boy says he hasn't done anything to deserve such an award except when he jokingly spray-painted his soldier action figures pink. In 2009, Barack Obama was also awarded a Nobel Prize for potential.

IRS: Solyndra Bankruptcy plan all about tax avoidance

(Associated Posers)- WASHINGTON DC - The Internal Revenue Service urged a bankruptcy judge to reject solar panel maker Solyndra’s bankruptcy plan Wednesday, saying it amounts to little more than an avenue for owners of an empty corporate shell to avoid paying taxes. “The undeniable conclusion is that tax benefits drive this plan,” attorneys for the IRS wrote in a bankruptcy pleading. Arguing that the bankruptcy court ought not confirm a plan “whose principal purpose is tax avoidance,” attorneys said in filings in U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Delaware that the tax breaks would be worth more money than funds set aside for creditors.

Restaurants Going Part Time?

(Associated Posers) – BUSINESS – DARDEN restaurants will focus on part-time employment to avoid costs associated with the Affordable Care Act, also known as “Obama Care”. The move comes after the company leaders had supported the ACA and the President, the move has drawn criticism of hypocrisy from conservatives. The chain owns the Olive Garden and Red Lobster among others.

HK billionaire will pay to make daughter gay

(Associated Posers) – Hong Kong – In a penthouse apartment overlooking the bustling city below Chinese billionaire Ceasar Chao Tse-Wang made it clear that he would give $64 million to any woman who could make his daughter gay. “I'll disown her if she is straight” he says “I am very disappointed in her choice of boy friends”. His daughter Gidget laughs, “I might try it just for the cash”.

China scoffs at MS malware accusations

(Associated Posers) – SHANGHAI, China – After Microsoft inspectors found malware and spyware being installed in computer at the factory, the country is denying widespread attempts at industrial espionage. “These charges are completely groundless” said a statement from Mai Wei Xang, with the Office of Electronic Manufacturing of the Trade & Industry Ministry. There has been no word from the US Commerce Department about the Microsoft findings.

Obama Rep calls House hearings "outrageous"

(Associated Posers) - WASHINGTON DC – With testimony taking place in front of a US House Committee about the lack of security at the US Consulate in Benghazi where 4 Americans were killed in what the government now admits was a terrorist act, the Presidents' representative Jen Psaki appeared on CNN to call the hearing “outrageous”.

“This is a political stunt to change the topic away from Mitt Romney's failed economic and social policies” she said “There is no reason for anyone to worry about why our embassies are unguarded”.

Documents released from the administration show that the staff of the consulate had been begging for weeks for more security. Documents also show that officials of the State Departments had a policy of refusing to send more security, instead relying on outsourced and local security, this order was also signed by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. They even advertised a $13,000 security position giving preferences to people in same-sex relationships. Apparently there was only a single security officer at the consulate.

Jen Psaki said the hearings and accusations were all “outrageous poitical accusations”.

“The administration is providing information they had access to at the time. And the intelligence community has come out and said that this was an organized act of terrorism. But for us, it’s not political. For the President, it’s not political. And it’s unfortunate it’s being brought to that” she said.

But for more than a week after the deadly attack the administration and President Obama refused to admit it was a terrorist attack. Saying that the incident took place because of outrage over a short video on Youtube during a protest. The government now admits that there was no protest at all and that 100+ armed men, some with rocket-propelled grenade launchers, did not just happen to meet up and decide willy-nilly to attack the consulate.

“These are just distractions by the right-wing conspiracy” Psaki told CNN “The real issue of this campaign is funding Sesame Street and not denying free condoms to college students at prestigious, ivy-league universities who are dating wealthy heirs. The real issue is not that our embassies are unguarded in tumultuous locales, it is that we need to get more Chevy Volts purchased by the federal government sent to these places”.

Jen Psaki said “Barack's friend, Martha Radditz, is moderating the Vice Presidential debate and will keep the debate on topic. This is all about the Republican War on Women, and that is what Paul Ryan needs to be hit with. The President attended her wedding, so she owes us one”.

When asked about the President's accusations that Mitt Romney wants a $5 trillion tax cut for the rich, she stated “Well, that wasn't true, but we aren't going to surrender the issue. We are going to keep pounding Romney with that. We have to protect this economic recovery from the ravages of his proposed tax and spending cuts”

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Big Bird, 1%er, Backs Mitt Romney

(Associated Posers)- NEW YORK CITY, NY – A controversial but highly misconstrued statement by Mitt Romney during the first Presidential debate has generated a lot of comments on the internet and in the media. The comment that candidate Romney does not want to borrow money from China to pay for Sesame Street “purposely taken out of context” says a spokesperson for the company behind the Sesame Street television program.

“The fact is we do not get any, or almost any, direct government subsidy. PBS does pay us a broadcast fee to be able to air our show though” a source inside the company tells Associated Posers. “Without PBS we could easily move over to one of the commercial cable channels and be just as successful.”

Makers of the show have not only disputed Mitt Romney's implication that they are on corporate welfare, but have demanded that the Obama campaign stop using them as examples of good public expenditures. A statement released from the Sesame Workshop demanded that the Obama campaign pull video ads from their website.

In an Associated Posers exclusive statement, Big Bird, whose real name is Allen Saunders, explains why he supports Mitt Romney for President. “People think, because I am in the entertainment industry, that I would support the left- but the left is too dishonest. They pretend to be the party of the middle class but their policies would bury the middle class. Their ideal world has a few super wealthy elite running the country and everyone else mired in “noble poverty of the masses”. Look, I am richer than Mitt Romney, I have been in this business for 43 years. I have learned a lot about the real world in that time.”

On education: “We have spent 43 years trying to undo the damage of government schools by teaching the basics of the English language and math. Can you imagine if children in kindergarten and first grade on up didn't have that? There'd be a lot more kids graduating who couldn't read their diploma”

On culture, ethics: “Again, we have been trying to instill values of family and ethics and that there is a right and a wrong in children. We are fighting an uphill battle in today's culture but it is a fight that has to be fought if we want to save kids from a lifetime of misery”

On economy: “You cannot build a thriving economy on the idea of redistributing wealth while you cut off the generation of new wealth. The economy is not a static thing, it is fluid, dynamic. If people are better off not working than working then many will choose not working, if money is safer invested in China than invested here, then it will be invested in China. On every score the left of today fails to understand basic economics. You can't spend your way out of debt or tax yourself into prosperity. It sounds like and is common sense and leftists just do not have that”.

Allen Saunders says he doesn't like some of the things that Sesame Street has done over the years but that overall it is a good, wholesome, conservative program. “It shines so brightly because it is pretty unique among the liberal media. A program that explains, or attempts to, language, numbers, reality and common sense to small children before the media and government schools can get their destructive paws on them”.

On current politics: “The left is just using this statement, taken way out of context, as a political weapon, even though if you understood anything, it would make no sense. They know a lot of people don't pay a whole lot of attention to politics and will fall for it. The fact is they know that Sesame Street and I are wealthy enough not to need government handouts, and we get none or almost none, and this scare tactic is all based on lies”.

“Even my friend Oscar wouldn't take their crap and he loves trash”

Monday, October 8, 2012

If Obama Loses, North Korea Will Take You

(Associated Posers) – Pyongyang, North Korea - Recently Jet Blue began a raffle that would award some 1,006 round trip international tickets to anywhere they fly to people who's candidate loses the Presidential election. The old saw about leaving the country if your guy loses, will come true for some lucky people.

North Korea's government has expressed official dismay that Barack Obama could lose re-election in November, as it considers Mitt Romney to be a dangerous extremist.

Today though, North Korea has taken it one step farther. The North Korean official news service KCNA has announced that it will offer 1,000 left-wing Americans “asylum” in it's workers paradise should Barack Obama lose the election.

“Kim Jong-un recognizes a fellow traveler in Barack Obama and should his leadership be deposed in the November Coup, we will offer asylum to some of his ardent supporters. We will provide apartments, guaranteed rations and every basic amenity to our new comrades” KCNA announced.

Announcing that 1,000 soon-to-be-ready apartment units in the 105-story Ryugyon Hotel, which has been under construction since 1987, would house them while permanent housing was ready. Although the news agency says the rooms are just about ready for occupancy, pictures purportedly taken by Chinese tourists earlier this year show a hollow shell inside.

While college campuses and celebrities are abuzz about the North Korea raffle, with many signing up some offer a word of caution to would be ex-pats.

“The fact is that North Korea is one of the worst places in the world to live, there is very little food security and any luxury goods are hard to come by” said a defector named Jung Won-Hee “And by luxury goods I mean basic things westerners take for granted every day such as candy, soda, laundry soap and clean water”.

KCNA showed images depicting a wonderful place, amusement park, skate park, large stadiums as enticements for westerners to defect. Jung Won-Hee has a theory “North Korea is in a bad place now and having westerners defect to them would be a propaganda victory. It wouldn't win them any support outside the country but inside where its needed it would demoralize those who secretly hope for something better. This would make their rule stronger”.

Reports suggest North Korea is in the midst of a food shortage as well as facing real shortages in electricity and other basic goods. This hasn't stopped American leftists from taking the offer seriously.

“I would go” said Sarah Smith, a student at the University of Wisconsin at Madison “I bet they let Kim Jong-un use a teleprompter like a real country”. She wasn't alone, the raffle tickets were being purchased at campuses across the country.

The UC Berkeley campus newspaper Daily Californian said it was a real option for fervent liberals in the United States. “It should never be dismissed as an option since it looks like Canada doesn't want us these days”.

“America is horrible, I think North Korea would be like heaven” said Stephanie Baer, an editor of the UC Berkeley newspaper.

Sean Penn and other Hollywood stars are reportedly on board for a PR blitz about the offer. “If Romney wins, then America loses” Penn said in an interview after attending a victory celebration for Hugo Chavez in Caracas. “We are going to go from coast to coast pumping up socialism and North Korea is a real option for escape if the right-wingers win”.

“America is horrible, I think North Korea would be like heaven” said Stephanie Baer of the UC Berkeley newspaper.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Debate Performance: Blame Anybody But Obama

Debate Aftermath

(Associated Posers) – WASHINGTON DC – President Obama's supporters have blamed everything from the altitude in Denver to Jim Lehrer for his dismal performance at the first presidential debate against challenger Mitt Romney. For many Americans it was the first chance to see an unscripted Barack Obama and Mitt Romney without the media spin.

For his part Barack Obama declared he hadn't debated Mitt Romney at all “That wasn't the real Mitt Romney!”. Later his campaign released a statement saying that a Mitt Romney clone had been used, the evidence they said was “self evident”.

The supporters of President Obama have also blamed John Kerry, his debate coach for the bruising their guy took. Romney “cheated” some of them said pointing to possible poisonous fumes from Mitt Romney's handkerchief. Meanwhile Obama spokeswoman Stephanie Cutter appeared on CNN and finally admitted that their main accusation in the first debate that Romney wanted a $5 trillion tax cut had been completely made up.

“Yes, we lied. So what? Can we move to the next topic please?”

Meanwhile David Axelrod begged the media to do a better job of protecting the President and attacking Mitt Romney saying “We can't do this alone, there is no way we can win this Mano-a-mano. We need the media to help us out”.

Obama Senior Advisor David Plouffe says that John Kerry was just not up to keeping a lazy student interested in debate prep. “He couldn't keep his pupil in the seat. Turn his back and Barack Obama was visiting a hydro-electric dam somewhere. We thought being an older, white rich guy him and Mitt Romney would have a lot in common. We didn't take into account that John married money, twice, and Mitt earned his through capitalistic thievery”

James Carville pointed out several times on television “The President brought spitwads to a chainsaw fight. Clint Eastwood called him an empty chair and for some reason he set out to become one.”

Meanwhile top Democrat strategists agreed that the second debate must be about Mitt Romney and not the last four years. “The economy is in the crapper, we have the blow up in the middle east being called a bump in the road, we have Joe Biden and we have almost nothing positive to show for these last four years. It behooves our team and the media to make Mitt Romney the focus”

When asked if the Presidents' debate performance could be blamed on the President himself David Plouffe was adamant “Absolutely not. He has little to do with anything. Nobody expects Barack to lower himself like that, so we can't be disappointed if he doesn't.”

David Axelrod agreed “President Obama can't be blamed for anything. He is perfection personified and it was racist for you to ask such a question. Holding people responsible for their own actions is the old way of doing things, we are more enlightened now. No one on our side is ever going to blame Obama for anything he does. 65 million people saw that mess, now the media must convince people it never happened.”

New polls now give Mitt Romney a small advantage, a slight lead since the debate.

Korea Tense as Kim Jong-un Defects

Breaking News: Korea Tense as Kim Jong-un Defects

(Associated Posers) – SEOUL, South Korea – A suspected North Korean soldier who killed his platoon and company commanders before crossing the border into South Korea has been identified as Kim Jong-un, the leader of North Korea. South Korean authorities now say that Kim Jong-un was a puppet all along for a small cabal of military leaders.

The defection of Kim Jong-un from North Korea is a serious blow to that hermit kingdom, leaving the survival of the communist state in serious doubt. Kim Jong-un has reportedly told Seoul authorities that the real political power in the country are among Chang Song Taek, Chae Ryong-Hae and Vice marshal Kim Yong-Chun.

Kim has apparently described a harrowing journey south from Pyongyang, to make an “inspection” visit of a compost farm near the DMZ. As always it was a top secret visit but he took only the barest entourage with him and when his minders were distracted he slipped out.

Kim Jong-un says he defected for many reasons: he was a prisoner there, a puppet. He said that he was wanting to be free, to watch South Korean drama's, attend a 2NE1 concert and mostly because he tired of being the only fat man in his country.

Jong-un is thought to have been born in 1983 or early 1984.[6] According to reports first published in Japanese newspapers, he went to school in Switzerland near Bern. First reports claimed he attended the private English-language “International School” near Bern under the name “Chol-pak” or “Pak-chol” from 1993 until 1998. He was described as shy, a good student who got along well with his classmates and was a basketball fan. He was chaperoned by an older student who was thought to be his bodyguard.

North Korean TV and Radio have been airing martial music since soon after the defection occurred and the South Korean government confirms that the North Korean military is “unusually active”, although no acknowledgement has yet come from Pyongyang. The news of the defection is sure to send shockwaves through North Korea, which is expected to lash out at some point. They also report that it's fledgling internet service link to the world has been turned off, possibly along with cellular phone service.

“Loss of face is extremely harmful to Pyongyang, but mostly it is bad if they lose face to their own people. They will withhold this news as long as possible but there are almost sure to be leaks and rumors.” said a North Korean watchdog with Choson Guardian Radio.

Friday, October 5, 2012

"Bully" Victim Inks New TV Deal

After becoming a nation-wide instant celebrity, La Crosse Wisconsin News Anchor Jennifer Livingston has inked a new television contract.

(Associated Posers) – LA CROSSE, Wisconsin – What started out as a woman's crusade to shame someone who wrote her an email reminding her of her weight has turned into a television show contract. Jennifer Livingston signed a deal with her employer WKTB, Channel 8, to do a daily segment where she will take e-mails and assassinate the character of the author.

“Move over Jerry Springer, TV just went there!” announces a new promo for the segment called 'Jennifer's Daily Fatwa'. The stations evening news director, and Jennifer's husband, Mike Thompson said he is an enthusiastic supporter of the concept.

After becoming an overnight celebrity for calling an e-mailer a “bully”, Jennifer Livingston said it was like living a dream. “Being famous for a day is pretty cool, usually I'm only noticed around La Crosse but now I've been seen all over the world”. The stations' Facebook as well as her own have filled up with supportive comments.

"What an AMAZING woman you are Jennifer!" viewer Felicia Nelson Koth chimed in. "I think you are excellent role model for everyone especially your girls."

The station promises the new segment will be hard hitting and sometimes gritty as Jennifer tells it like she sees it. Promo's have warned viewers to “reread their email before sending” and ask themselves 'what would Jennifer do?'

“Just keep your opinions to yourself” he told us “If you don't want to feel the pain of Jennifer's retribution!”

In the first segment aired last night a student at local Viterbo College complained that he thought a story they did about the military seemed unfair. “I am simply asking you to report fairly on the military, they aren't a bunch of armed crazies wanting to kill people, they are fighting for us, fighting and dying for us” - Daryl Holland, Viterbo University.

Jennifer got tough: “Listen up, Viterbo University. You and your Catholic college being one of the more military-friendly campuses in America is really a dark stain on La Crosse. Your cult is now brainwashing students to worship the military-industrial complex, this is beyond the pale. These poor, mostly minority soldiers probably couldn't get a job anywhere else in this racist country, but I guess the body count would bother a lily white ginger kid like you, right Daryl Holland? You are a brainwashed guppy caught in a tidal eddy on the wrong end of the gene pool, you poor besotted child. Your schools Chaplain Fr. Conrad Targonski has blood on his hands, and you want to lecture us on fairness? Oh whitey please...”

Jennifer's Daily Fatwa is immediately one of the more unique local programs in the country and looking through her email she says “It's a target rich environment out there”.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Newspaper joins imaginary world

(Associated Posers) – BERKELEY, California – The “independent” daily student newspaper of the UC-Berkeley campus, the DAILY CALIFORNIAN has announced it will no longer use words it deems offensive to its readership, such as “illegal immigrant”, “Islamic or Arab terrorist”, “Republican” or “suspected murderer”.

The new policy was agreed upon by the editorial board after readers complained about the coverage of student Bryan Shill who was arrested for the murder of his mother and sister. Decrying his family as “bourgeoisie” Shill maintains he has done the world a favor. The Daily Californian was hit by a backlash from its readers unexpectedly and has also surrendered the term “murder suspect”.

“The case of Bryan Shill is an example for us” said editor Stephanie Baer “Our readers have long demanded that we live in their bubble instead of the real world. So, in order to stay in business, we are joining their imaginary world.”

In an 'editor's note' posted on the newspapers' website Baer explains that from this point on terms like “illegal alien”, while factual and accurate, are hurtful and offensive. “We prefer to pretend they have simply lost their birth certificate”. While the abandonment of the correct use of the english language has raised eyebrows, Baer points out that the newspaper has long preferred “undocumented person” over “illegal immigrant”. That this simply codifies their existing usage.

Towards Bryan Shill the newspaper has also bowed to its “readership” and will highlight the case and lead the call for his release. “Social justice demands that Bryan Shill be released and be praised for his service to the community” said activist Sheryl Bronte “These women were simply stooges for the white male patriarch hegemony, they were real enemies of the people”

Meanwhile police investigators say that Shill is suspected of killing his mother and sister because they refused to supply him with liquor and the use of the house for a party. The on-campus organization Friends of Bryan Shill deny it and say that his innocence will be proven. They also deny that he has already confessed in the case. “The police lie”

“Even if he did it they deserved it, I heard his mom was against gay marriage” said campus activist Michelle Cochran.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

"They" Really Are Spying on You, Senate Report Reveals

A Senate Homeland Security subcommittee reviewed more than 600 unclassified reports over a one-year period and concluded that most had nothing to do with terrorism.

(Associated Posers)- WASHINGTON DC- Walter Travis, of Travers City, Michigan had just forgot to put the gas cap back on his Chevy Malibu. He was pulled over within a few minutes of being back on the road by a DHS officer. The officer informed him of the gas cap and that this could have EPA fines as a consequence.

“How did you know about the gas cap when I didn't?” he asked

“We know everything about everything” the officer informed him “Except terrorism or illegal aliens”

What started as a program to track possible terrorism in the US, something it has failed at abysmally, has been given a new job: tracking you. The Department of Homeland Security is a total failure at tracking possible terrorism in the country but it has moved heaven and Earth when it comes to spying on you.

The administration of Barack Obama now claims the right to track citizens 24-7 in the name of “national security”, even if it has nothing to do with terrorism. Using the local-state-federal “fusion centers” every single public employee in the country is now also a spy for the government. The municipal meter reader see a gun magazine on your back seat? It'll be reported and stored in a computer database somewhere.

When John Brunner of Sarasota, Florida held his sons 10th birthday at a local shooting range, a neighbor had sent a tip to the DHS. While nothing illegal was involved, this information went into the computer system and stayed there, in his file. A year later his wife casually complained about her husbands temper and the Child Welfare authorities showed up at their house days later with a court order to take away his legal guns.

Although it is technically illegal for the DHS to store non-terrorism related information long-term, it is up to the same people to decide if it meets that definition. So everything gets stored in a file on you somewhere. Are you a member of the NRA? A Ron Paul supporter? Is your son a Boy Scout? You can bet the DHS knows it.

A Senate Homeland Security subcommittee reviewed more than 600 unclassified reports over a one-year period and concluded that most had nothing to do with terrorism. What began as an attempt to put local, state and federal officials in the same room analyzing the same intelligence has instead cost huge amounts of money for data-mining software, flat screen televisions and, in Arizona, two fully equipped Chevrolet Tahoes that are used for commuting, investigators found. Disagreeing with the critical conclusions of the report, Homeland Security says it is outdated, inaccurate and too focused on information produced by the program.

When Lake County, Florida began installing “trash cams” in school cafeteria's nobody had a clue that the local DHS Fusion Center would be tapped into it. Children who refused to eat their vegetables on a regular basis saw their parents cited and “interviewed” by government minders.

"The subcommittee investigation could identify no reporting which uncovered a terrorist threat, nor could it identify a contribution such fusion center reporting made to disrupt an active terrorist plot," the report said.

“We got around that” Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano told a Senate panel “By redefining all crime and certain suspect activities as terrorism-related”

State officials soon realized there simply wasn't that much local terrorism-related intelligence. Terrorist attacks didn't happen often, but police faced drugs, guns and violent crime every day. Normal criminal information started moving through fusion centers.

Protest abortion outside of a clinic? Your name and possibly photograph is in the system. Write a letter to the editor in favor of gun rights? Your name has likely been cross-matched to your existing file.

Under federal law, that was fine. When lawmakers enacted recommendations of the 9/11 Commission in 2007, they allowed fusion centers to study "criminal or terrorist activity." The law was co-sponsored by Sens. Susan Collins and Joe Lieberman, the driving forces behind the creation of Homeland Security.

Five years later, Senate investigators found, terrorism is often a secondary focus, but with politics the way they are, DHS fusion centers are likely to see a hefty funding increase from Congress.

“We are busier than ever” Janet Napolitano beamed at the Senate hearing “The world is our oyster and the people are our bloody poodles”

When Senator Olympia Snowe asked if the program could be more focused on actual crimes, the Homeland Security Secretary bristled. “We need more funding in order to create a network of citizen spies, once we are able to spy on everyone, then everyone will be safe”

After the Senate released their scathing report, they indicated their strong support for the program.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

TSA: Child Abusers "Uniquely Qualified" as Screeners

TSA scrapes bottom for "good" agents?

(Associated Posers) -PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – The Transportation Safety Administration admits that finding people who want to pat down and strip search grandma and the kids is a recruiters nightmare. “We have advertised on pizza boxes and offered to ignore certain transgressions in one past, such as drug use, in order to find these screeners” said a spokesperson for the TSA who wanted anonymity.

In a statement to Associated Posers, the TSA said, “Every single TSA employee undergoes a comprehensive background check, which includes criminal history. An allegation alone does not warrant dismissal or automatically disqualify applicants from employment with TSA. The Privacy Act of 1974 prohibits TSA from disclosing information from our employees’ job applications and employment records.”

A string of incidents from stolen items being found at the homes of TSA agents, which a former agent labeled “a culture of deceit” to multiple groping allegations. At one point there was an acknowledgment that new scanners that show your body naked were having images stored and even printed out and traded like baseball cards. The unnamed TSA agent admitted this saying “It allows us to blow off some steam without molesting little girls, which still happens occasionally”

In a recent news report a defrocked former priest named Thomas Harkin was found working at Philadelphia International Airport for a decade and had risen to the post of Transportation Security Manager and had worked in many posts-including as a screener. He had been defrocked and fired after allegations of sexual abuse of an 11 year old girl.

“The TSA admits that child molesters are uniquely qualified to pat down and search for bombs and weapons in the pants and skirts of little girls” said a TSA official “Who else wants that job? We had to fill a lot of posts very quickly after September 11, 2001 and a lot of unsavory characters were hired”

Of all of the questions regarded the TSA, one of the biggest is this: If they cannot stop a person from carrying a loaded gun onto the plane, what is the point of their existence?

Monday, October 1, 2012

Zombie Turtle Blamed for Salmonella Epidemic

(Associated Posers) - BALTIMORE, Maryland - At least six outbreaks of salmonella poisoning are being blamed on Zombie Turtle infestations. The Centers for Disease Control reports that Zombie Turtles resemble the common Red Eared Slider but have the habit of trying to eat your brain. They are so small though (20-33 cm) that all they manage to do is nibble toes or fingers.

"All reptiles commonly have salmonella" said Joseph C. Paige, D.V.M., a Consumer Safety Officer in the FDA's Center for Veterinary Medicine "The problem with Zombie Turtles is they entice people, usually children, to handle them - even put the turtle in their mouth. This is their whole goal, of course- getting close to the brain"

Pet turtles with shells under 4 inches are illegal to sell in most states because of the possibility of contracting salmonella, but Zombie Turtles are more malicious than innocent carriers of the poison.

"Zombie Turtles actively seek out victims, they entice them - possibly with mind control or subliminal cuteness" said a herpetologist, a turtle expert. "For normal turtle exposure, a thorough hand-washing with soap is enough, just make sure that sinks and anything else that touches the animals is also well cleaned".

Differentiating a Zombie Turtle from a living, breathing turtle can be hard for the layman but the tell-tell sign is the eyes. A living turtle is looking around and at you-if you are close by, but the Zombie Turtle eyes- they keep wandering even after he has chosen you as a target.

Zombie Turtles are silent killers, the CDC estimates that at least 60 people were killed by them last year, and 2 were almost completely consumed by a Zombie Turtle Horde. A ZTH happens when Zombie Turtles attack a target in a large bale (group of turtles is a bale).

"We have reports from at least 30 states but some are much worse than others, whether those Salmonella outbreaks are Zombie Turtle-related or just stupid people poisoning themselves with regular turtles is not yet known, this requires much mre study" cautioned Joseph Paige.