Newspaper joins imaginary world

(Associated Posers) – BERKELEY, California – The “independent” daily student newspaper of the UC-Berkeley campus, the DAILY CALIFORNIAN has announced it will no longer use words it deems offensive to its readership, such as “illegal immigrant”, “Islamic or Arab terrorist”, “Republican” or “suspected murderer”.

The new policy was agreed upon by the editorial board after readers complained about the coverage of student Bryan Shill who was arrested for the murder of his mother and sister. Decrying his family as “bourgeoisie” Shill maintains he has done the world a favor. The Daily Californian was hit by a backlash from its readers unexpectedly and has also surrendered the term “murder suspect”.

“The case of Bryan Shill is an example for us” said editor Stephanie Baer “Our readers have long demanded that we live in their bubble instead of the real world. So, in order to stay in business, we are joining their imaginary world.”

In an 'editor's note' posted on the newspapers' website Baer explains that from this point on terms like “illegal alien”, while factual and accurate, are hurtful and offensive. “We prefer to pretend they have simply lost their birth certificate”. While the abandonment of the correct use of the english language has raised eyebrows, Baer points out that the newspaper has long preferred “undocumented person” over “illegal immigrant”. That this simply codifies their existing usage.

Towards Bryan Shill the newspaper has also bowed to its “readership” and will highlight the case and lead the call for his release. “Social justice demands that Bryan Shill be released and be praised for his service to the community” said activist Sheryl Bronte “These women were simply stooges for the white male patriarch hegemony, they were real enemies of the people”

Meanwhile police investigators say that Shill is suspected of killing his mother and sister because they refused to supply him with liquor and the use of the house for a party. The on-campus organization Friends of Bryan Shill deny it and say that his innocence will be proven. They also deny that he has already confessed in the case. “The police lie”

“Even if he did it they deserved it, I heard his mom was against gay marriage” said campus activist Michelle Cochran.