Zombie Turtle Blamed for Salmonella Epidemic

(Associated Posers) - BALTIMORE, Maryland - At least six outbreaks of salmonella poisoning are being blamed on Zombie Turtle infestations. The Centers for Disease Control reports that Zombie Turtles resemble the common Red Eared Slider but have the habit of trying to eat your brain. They are so small though (20-33 cm) that all they manage to do is nibble toes or fingers.

"All reptiles commonly have salmonella" said Joseph C. Paige, D.V.M., a Consumer Safety Officer in the FDA's Center for Veterinary Medicine "The problem with Zombie Turtles is they entice people, usually children, to handle them - even put the turtle in their mouth. This is their whole goal, of course- getting close to the brain"

Pet turtles with shells under 4 inches are illegal to sell in most states because of the possibility of contracting salmonella, but Zombie Turtles are more malicious than innocent carriers of the poison.

"Zombie Turtles actively seek out victims, they entice them - possibly with mind control or subliminal cuteness" said a herpetologist, a turtle expert. "For normal turtle exposure, a thorough hand-washing with soap is enough, just make sure that sinks and anything else that touches the animals is also well cleaned".

Differentiating a Zombie Turtle from a living, breathing turtle can be hard for the layman but the tell-tell sign is the eyes. A living turtle is looking around and at you-if you are close by, but the Zombie Turtle eyes- they keep wandering even after he has chosen you as a target.

Zombie Turtles are silent killers, the CDC estimates that at least 60 people were killed by them last year, and 2 were almost completely consumed by a Zombie Turtle Horde. A ZTH happens when Zombie Turtles attack a target in a large bale (group of turtles is a bale).

"We have reports from at least 30 states but some are much worse than others, whether those Salmonella outbreaks are Zombie Turtle-related or just stupid people poisoning themselves with regular turtles is not yet known, this requires much mre study" cautioned Joseph Paige.