“I am a math dummy” the President explained “I can't even help the kids with their homework. Thank goodness we have Elena Kagan around to tutor them these days”
Running for President in 2008 he told an NPR station that under his plans, electricity rates would “necessarily” skyrocket. The friendly media immediately understood that this was something that could hurt his election chances and hushed it up, along with his cigarette habit.
“Thank goodness for my friends in the media” he said on the eve of re-election “Without their help I would never even come close to getting re-elected. I will reward my friends and punish my enemies in my second term, that is a promise”
On Medicare: “Sure cutting the amount we pay doctors might have an impact, but we also have penalties for those doctors and hospitals who don't like it and try to work around it.”
Asked if there could be negative causes and effect from cutting reimbursement rates the President shrugged “I don't care. I think we did the right thing, older people should understand that sometimes it makes no sense to get a new hip at their age”
On the deficit: “We've had deficits for decades, it's not a big deal. $16 trillion is chump change, and it is not an immediate problem for this generation. It might be a problem for Greece and Europe and other countries but that is only because they didn't have good leaders like this country and France or Venezuela”
Congress: “I'm not worried about dealing with Congress in a second term. I will rule by Executive Order. We don't need Congress anymore. I can and will govern without Congress. Out with the old and in with the new. Congress has abdicated it's powers to the executive branch and now they have no more.”
On Chrysler: “It is a bit sad that Chrysler and Jeep will probably move their operations to other countries, just like it is sad that most new General Motors vehicles are made in foreign countries but that is the price this country pays for not having high enough taxes and strong enough regulations.”
On Hurricane Sandy: “I was there, I took a picture with a woman and I flew to Vegas. I am extremely happy to have seen a polling bounce from that act. Give FEMA a few weeks and they will have food and water and gasoline going smoothly.”
On Benghazi: “Look, I don't want to talk about this. My lawyers tell me not to talk about it. All I will say that we took swift action the day after the militants went into that compound. I don't think we could have done anything differently in the midst of a campaign.”
Plans for a second term: “Well, you know the Bush tax cuts expire. That alone will have a wonderful on the economy. People will be sending more money to Washington and this is always a good thing and makes government wealthier, which is the whole point. This will allow us to hire more bureaucrats and control more of your life. I have some new mandates ready to go. We will mandate what percentage of your grocery bill will go to fruits and vegetables, we will mandate that everyone join a health club or buy an exercise device like a treadmill, we can do these things under the so-called “ObamaCare” law that was passed through my leadership.”
Green Energy Loans: "Look, I understand that some people have a problem with the government giving money to failing corporations. Especially when those companies don't have a marketable product. I also know how it looks that sometimes they fail anyway and the high-ranking executives who donate to my campaign walk away with a lot of money. I just want to stress that supporting green technologies is important for the future. Mine included."