Obama Fighting Obesity with New Label Law

(Associated Posers) Washington DC – The White House today announced an executive order that would force all “junk” food and fast food packaging to contain graphic images that would curtail their use. In a move that is hoped to curb obesity in America they would steer Americans toward fresh fruits and vegetables.

“We have seen other countries putting graphic images of black lung and other things on packages of cigarettes to discourage their use. On that note we have decided to try to do the same with junk food and fast food” Jay Carney announced.

To that end several rotating images of Michelle Obama will be used. Jay Carney said this was an obvious choice because “Nobody can eat while gagging”.

Mark Levin, scholar and talk radio host said this violates the Constitution provision against “cruel and unusual punishment”. “Hopefully it won't take too much time for a judge to strike this down, we don't need people dying in the streets”

Fresh fruits and vegetables are exempt, the White House noted, so that people will be able to survive. “The notion that people are all going to wither away and die is ludicrous, there are exemptions”

Food companies will no doubt fight the packaging label requirement. “Executive orders are not laws, the President has no power to do this” said Americans for Living Life “This law is inhumane”

“The President has no doubt that this law will reduce obesity in America”

President announces New Economic Policy is "Great Leap Forward"

WASHINGTON DC (Associated Posers) – Starting his sixth year in office President Barack Hussein Obama promises to focus on the economy “like a laser beam”, which he also promised annually since 2009. Saying that he will recruit all Americans into a “national mission” to restore the economy and to glorify the motherland, the President says his new plan will "mobilize the country around the national mission of making sure our economy offers everyone who works hard a fair shot at opportunity and success."

The President said that he will meet with Ivory Tower Academics and campaign contributors and those corporate titans who receive large government subsidies to devise a plan to bring jobs back to the country. One part of the plan that has already been decided on is more generous handouts to the unemployed.

House Democrat Leader Nancy Pelosi explains “unemployment benefits are a major boost for the economy in times like this... if everyone were unemployed, there would be nothing to worry about at all”. A much higher minimum wage will also very likely be a part of the package.

Former Secretary of State and possible 2016 contender Hillary Clinton also has input into the process claiming that the only way to give everyone a “fair shot” at opportunity and success is to take it away from those who have it now and spread it around. “We will take things away from you for the common good”.

After 5 years of economic recovery the future looks bleak indeed, a depressed Christmas season already has casualties, with Macy's announcement of the elimination 2,500 jobs and closing several store locations.

“Businesses are eager to hire” the President said before the Press Office edited the statement “therefor me and some college professors will concoct a scheme to make it look like the economy is better”

An anonymous insider said that massive subsidies to corporations that hire people may very well be part of the plan, which means massive new borrowing and more national debt. Also under consideration was a mandate for every American to take out a $25,000 loan in order to boost consumer spending.

Critics have immediately labelled the announcement and possible plans as “insane”.