Sunday, September 30, 2012

Debate: media says its' Obama's to lose

(Associated Posers) WASHINGTON, DC – The first Presidential debate is the Presidents' to lose as challenger Mitt Romney needs almost a miracle to win this election. You can expect the debate to center on the economy, with Romney forced to answer for his failed economic policies and his tax proposals that would widen the rich-poor divide.

“As long as the President continues to hammer home that Mitt Romney's policies have been a complete failure, this election is in the bag” said Jen Panski, an Obama campaign spokeswoman “His plan seems to be nothing more than bailouts to corporations, tax cuts for the rich and more big spending. At least that is what the media keeps saying”

Former Gore advisor Ron Klain says you can lose a debate any time but you can only really win it in the first half hour. “The first thing Barack Obama should do is highlight his support from foreign leaders like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Venezuelan strongman Hugo Chavez, this will emphasize his foreign policy achievements”

Al Hunt, in a letter to the New York Times said as long as President Obama can hide his scorn for Mitt Romney and those so far beneath his exalted self, he should have a good chance of not losing the enormous advantage he has with independents or dampen his enthusiasm dominance. “Mitt Romney doesn't have a chance if the President doesn't seem exasperated by having to lower himself to our level”

Jim Lehrer, a veteran journalist of the PBS “NewsHour”, will be serving as moderator and says that he will not allow Mitt Romney to hijack the debate. “Mitt Romney will obviously try to make this election a referendum on the President, it is something he has to do. I won't allow him to keep steering this debate towards some kind of perceived failure of the President. This election is all about how this pretentious phony rich-man's puppet can have the gall to actually run against President Obama. It is my duty as a journalist to see that Romney answers for this blasphemy”

Some outlier polls suggest a large advantage for Romney among independents and a large enthusiasm gap FOR Romney. Obama spokeswoman Jen Panski dismissed these out of hand “All of the other polls say different, very different. There is no chance that Romney wins independents by 10+% or that he has a 16% enthusiasm advantage, it's ludicrous notion”.

Ron Klain added “Mitt Romney needs to enjoy his night in the spotlight, it will be downhill from there. He's not ready for prime time and he is definitely not able to win this election.”

The general consensus among the press is very clear. Romney has no chance to defeat them in this election, according to their polls and should not be allowed to steer the debate to what he thinks are President Obama's weaknesses. Indeed the media thinks President Obama has no weaknesses for him to exploit.

In a related note, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan says that one debate won't decide this election.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Europeans Protesting Budget Cuts, Demand Skittles

(Associated Posers) – MADRID, SPAIN – The European Debt Crisis is reaching the boiling point as Spain and Portugal brace for massive “austerity” protests. The official unemployment rate in Spain is around 25% while half of those under 24 are out of work, leaving them plenty of time to protest. Meanwhile Spain is set to borrow upwards of $266 billion (in US dollars) next year in a rescue package.

The 2013 budget proposal would freeze public sector wages while trimming ministry budgets by 8.9% and the budget also assumes increased revenue from a higher VAT tax, as the country struggles to get a grip on an out of control deficit. The government claims the higher tax revenue will cut the deficit from 9% to 6.3% of the budget.

"This is a crisis budget aimed at emerging from the crisis ... In this budget there is a larger adjustment of spending than revenue," Deputy Prime Minister Soraya Saenz de Santamaria told a news conference after a marathon six-hour cabinet meeting. The government was also analyzing conditions for a bailout package of its own. Pensions will rise by only 1%, not keeping up with inflation. In a sign of how tight the budget is this year the government said it would use 3 billion euros from social security reserves to pay pensions in 2012.

Opposition member Lucia Silva spelled out their demands “We demand that the EU provide as many euro's as necessary to keep us in the lifestyle we have become accustomed to. We demand to continue living in the land of milk and honey with skittle-crapping unicorns”.

Spain protest leader Mario de Mariosa exclaimed “We demand the end of debt, period. We demand to never live in the real world again!”

In FRANCE, the Socialist government of Francois Hollande, elected earlier this year, announced a dramatic 75% tax increase on France’s super-wealthy and corporations. The tax hikes, which are temporary, will supposedly garner €30 billion, and accompany a €10 billion spending freeze. French businesses have denounced the tax hike, claiming it is “impeding investment and so will block innovation”.

Hollande spelled out his expectations “I expect that businesses and the wealthy will not change their spending and earning patterns to avoid this tax. I do not expect any CEO or business owner to intentionally earn less than a million euro's. I do not expect rationality or logic to impede our goal of recreating a socialist utopia”.

-Next door in Portugal the country last year agreed to budget cuts in return for a $100 billion (in US dollars) bailout. The main trade union confederation has called people to the streets for a massive demonstration.
-In Greece, judges and prosecutors now claim that cuts in their salaries are “unconstitutional” and will continue their work stoppages to at least October 5. Opposition leader Tsipras proposed an international meeting to forgive Greek debt, saying “the solution we propose is a European conference on debt, as happened in 1953 for the Federal Republic of Germany.”
-Meanwhile in Italy today, tens of thousands of union members marched in the capital, Rome, protesting austerity measures. Also joining them were workers at the Colloseum and Roman forum, forcing a closure of the two tourist landmarks. Prime Minister Mario Monti’s government approved healthcare and pension cuts, a continued freeze on wages of public workers, and an increase in taxes, in a bid to avoid a Greece-style debt crisis. Italian unemployment has hovered at 10%.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Hate Crime Allegations Shock, Frighten Community

(Associated Posers) - KIRKLAND, Washington - State and federal authorities are investigating a possible hate crime in Kirkland, a Seattle suburb with population of around 50,000, after a peanut butter and jelly sandwich was found hanging from a tree branch near the sidewalk. Daryl Thomas, a local African-American found the offending sandwich in a tree in the yard of Rodney Smith, who is white,.

Daryl Thomas said his tenure at the Harvey Scott School in Portland, Oregon as an assistant teacher had showed him that a peanut butter jelly sandwich was a racist symbol of dominant white culture. “It was very obvious, to me, I have witnesses a lynching” he told the Portland Tribune newspaper website.

Indeed since 2010 the cash-starved Portland school district has spent $530,000 teaching and training teachers to spot evidence of white culture and white privilege everywhere they look. The Harvey Scott School itself is ranked in the bottom 15% of schools in the state.

“I recognized it for a hate crime and I notified the police” Daryl Thomas proudly told the local media at an impromptu press conference near the tree where this took place. Meanwhile the local police dutifully waited until the press gathered to escort Rodney Smith to the police cruiser where he would be taken to a police station for questioning.

Principal Vernice Gutierrez said she is proud of her assistant teacher for being proactive in the face of a racist hate attack. “I think we should all be able to find and extinguish white privilege and culture wherever we find it. Daryl Thomas is a credit to his people”.

Meanwhile police say that Rodney Smith denied any racial motivation for the sandwich lynching and said the whole idea perplexed him. “If someone lynched a symbol of white culture, wouldn't that be a hate crime against whites?” he asked “None of this makes any sense”.

Meanwhile the Portland NAACP, Pacific Educational Group and Pacifica Radio were planning to hold a demonstration they called a March Against Jelly Engendered Stereo Typing In King County, or MAJESTICK. The planned to demand hate crime charges against Rodney Smith and a vigorous prosecution. Rachel Talbot Ross of the local NAACP spoke at the press conference “This act of hate and bigotry must be wiped from the conscious mind of America's slave-holding class. We demand that this District Attorney put this racist Neanderthal in prison, away from civilized people”.

Sheriff Steve Strachan says that Rodney Smith is being held in protective custody momentarily while the investigation continued. Meanwhile Smiths' lawyer, Antonio Valdez, told the local media that his client had no racist feelings at all. “The tree is right next to the sidewalk on the side of his house, he says he has no idea who put it there or why. It could easily have been a prank”.

The Portland Tribune website and the radio station owned by the company KPAM have been calling for “hunt and destroy” missions against “white privilege”. Meanwhile some locals, behind closed doors, said that people have hung peanut butter sandwiches for decades to attract squirrels, which were hunted for food.

“I have no doubt this was a hate crime” said the Pacific Education Group's founder and President Glenn Singleton “No justice, no peace”.

Press Dismiss Bias Claim

(Associated Posers) – CLEVELAND, OHIO – On the campaign trail with Mitt Romney a group of reporters spend their time chatting with twelve anti-Romney protesters that also follow the campaign around in an chartered SEIU bus. Asked what they thought of conservatives who complained that the media was heavily biased in favor of the Obama campaign, they scoffed.

Herbert Gear, a stringer for the New York Times, said any bias is simply a reflection of the conditions on the ground. He did not deny that reporters had their own thoughts and opinions “Of course, we are human, we have our own ideas and beliefs. Letting that drip into our stories is something that we just do not allow to happen”.

Angela McCall, a reporter for the Independent Press Service, denied there was a liberal bias in the media. “No, there is no liberal bias”.

Some conservative commentators suggested that when Barack Obama recently slipped up and said he wanted to export more jobs the press was silent, suggesting that if Romney had done this, the press would have slaughtered him.

Angela McCall answered “Of course. Mitt Romney has a long history of farming companies and exporting jobs, so we'd definitely take that comment seriously. Besides he's a Republican and we all know they want everyone broke and on welfare.”

Asked if the media should treat President Obama the same way as they treat Mtt Romney when they hold lavish fund-raisers of more than $25,000 a plate dinners, Herbert Gear did not think so. “Look, when Barack Obama plays with celebrities, it's fine because we want him to have fun and hang out with Jay-Z and Beyonce. Mitt Romney isn't like that, nobody wants him playing around with celebrities”

Washington Post writer Gloria Redmon told us in a phone interview “The polls are very clear, President Obama is America's bro. He's our pal. He's America's sweetheart. That is a simple reality that is reflected in unbiased reporting.”

Asked about the weighting of polls in favor of Barack Obama Gloria Redmon was dismissive “Those reflect the increased enthusiasm for President Obama over his 2008 turnout. It is the best guess of professional pollsters, so who are we to argue?”

Asked if these polls are creating a false impression of the race, possibly creating a bandwagon effect for Barack Obama and demoralizing Republican voters and might this be intentional, Redmon was insistent that this was unfounded. “There is increased enthusiasm for the President and the American people just don't like this Mitt Romney fellow” she said “The polls just reflect that”.

Pelosi Decries GOP's Negative Campaign

(Associated Posers) – NEW YORK CITY – Former Speaker of the House and current Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, appearing on MSNBC's Rachel Maddow Show, claimed the Democrats were conducting a positive of personal destruction against Republican nominee Mitt Romney. The democrats have claimed that Romney is everything from “stupid” to a “felon” who is responsible for the death of a steelworkers wife.

“We are trying to keep a positive campaign but the Republicans want to poison the debate by pointing out high gas prices, skyrocketing electric rates, and a possible meat shortage next year that hasn't even happened yet.” She complained “Then instead of talking about feelings and unicorns and free stuff they want to talk about how every single tax bracket increases next year and fines under Obama Care.”

“These are distractions from the real issues of this campaign. Nobody wants to talk about real issues any more. The fact is that allowing the Republicans to run against Barack Obama is simply a racist act by itself” she told Maddow, who simply agreed with everything she said.

“You have railed against money in politics” Rachel Maddow mentioned “Is that being highlighted in your re-election campaign?”

“We know that unions, PAC's. Special interest groups, AARP, Planned Parenthood and George Soros will spend tens of millions of dollars fighting for Barack Obama but some businesses want to support the Republicans and that must stop. That is why I am proposing a Constitutional amendment to limit political free speech. I think the founders of this country would have appreciated it. We have to offset it, but we also have to win so we can change it," she also said

Mitt Romney railed against the planned increase of all tax brackets set to place at the beginning of the new year. “Even the lowest tax bracket is set to increase by fifty percent, FIFTY PERCENT! How they claim to want a thriving middle class when they are trying to tax it into oblivion?”

Although President Barack Obama said on the David Letterman Show that we do not have to worry about the national debt in the short term, Republican Vice Presidential candidate noted that a 2008 campaign promise by Barack Obama was to cut the deficit in half. “Instead the deficit has ballooned to unimaginable levels and it is planned to stay there as far as the eye can see! This is not fiscal responsibility, this is saddling your kids with enough debt to keep them in the poorhouse.”

Nancy Pelosi responded “This is what we are talking about. This negative attack on the present administration is not helpful, it is hurting the country. We should be supporting the President and hoping he succeeds in moving us forward. The real issue is that the Republicans have nominated a successful businessman for President at a time when success is a horrible thing”.

“The real issue is making sure that those who blaspheme the prophet Muhammad do not inherit the future. The real issue is not debt, taxes, spending, defense cuts or how warrant-less wiretaps have quadrupled under President Obama. The real issues are free contraceptives, gay marriage, card check and making sure the rich, except for our friends, pay more”.

City Votes Down Party Suite Funds

(Associated Posers) - ORLING, TX – A contentious city council meeting packed the chamber tonight as a controversial budget amendment took center stage. City Manager Timothy Gonzales introduced the budget by saying it was balanced, there were no layoffs and no taxes or fees were raised even in the midst of a years-long recession.

When the Mayor asked for comment City Councilman Joey Putter introduced an amendment to the budget that would replace $410,000 for “economic development” for an item that had been omitted from the Orling-Lost Colony Chamber of Commerce's items. The mayor pointed out that it had not been included with the proposed budget sent up by the Chamber. Councilwoman Rosie Canning seconded the amendment motion. Indeed this “economic development” was just a large stadium suite.

City Councilman Mike Gall offered an impassioned defense of the amendment. “We entered into this contract as a city, as a people. Our word is our bond. I cannot hope but that we do the honorable thing and approve this amendment, for the safety and life of our very souls. Violating this contract will just leave us indebted as a city since we are responsible for covering it should the Chamber not”.

The Mayor asked the opinion of the City Attorney if the city was beholden to the contract. City Attorney Charlie Andrews said “The City Council never passed this, the Chamber entered into it but the council never did”. Council members Canning and Gall then pointed out that this was ten year deal from 2008.

Mayor Elizabeth V. Dunn then asked the City Attorney if one council could leave future councils chained to such a contract. Charlie Andrews answered that “If it had been fully funded at the time, then it would be pretty rock-solid, but this was not. One council can't leave future councils chained to unfunded contracts”.

Then the Mayor pointed out that the Chamber itself had been trying to dump the stadium suite and sell the lease to someone else. She said the team's training facilities and merchandising would leave or not irrespective of the city owning a leased suite. “It won't matter one iota to the General Manager when time for comes for him to make that decision”

Instead of leaving the matter settled Councilman Mike Gall, who is also a member of the Orling-Lost Colony Chamber of Commerce Transportation and Infrastructure Committee, invoked God, citing the invocation at the beginning of the meeting. “We must do the right thing. Our people trust us to do the right thing. They trust us not to leave them high and dry and leave contracts unpaid”. Then Mike Gall took a serious tone “This item was only left out of the final proposal because someone put pressure on them.”

Councilwoman Canning was more technical and analytical in her defense of the offered amendment. “$410,000 is a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of the budget” she told those present “Adding this will not hurt anyone, it doesn't take away from anyone else. This is economic development that our city needs, it creates jobs, it attracts businesses that invest in this city.”

Council member Gall agreed saying “We agreed to party with business leaders and contractors and the people expect us to party in style at the Stadium Suite. We just want the best partying the money can buy, the people of this city would want nothing less”.

Then the Mayor and Gerry Farr discussed briefly how the amendment item had already been dealt with in previous work sessions. The Mayor and Farr both noted their opposition to the amendment. Mayor Dunn also said that nobody was changing any minds arguing over it and called a vote on the amendment.

The amendment was defeated 4-5. Then an immediate vote on the full budget passed it 6-3.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

International aid delivered to US schools

(Associated Posers) – SAVANNAH, Georgia – The shocking images broadcast around the world of hungry children being fed a bare subsistence diet is mobilizing the world to render aid. United Nations food trucks have begun arriving to avert an international disaster. Donor countries include China, which has furnished 500 tons of rice aboard a vessel en route to San Diego.

Supplemental food aid from Canada, including wheat, are being flown in. A line of UN-marked planes line the tarmac of Savannah-Hilton Head International Airport.

“Shockingly some of these schools cannot serve more than 350-400 calories” said one nutritionist from the Children's Fund International “This is a crisis of the first order. Something must be done to keep the United States from falling to third world status. If that happens, then poorer nations are going to be in dire straits”.

The new menu's were devised at the direction of First Lady Michelle Obama with an eye toward strict calorie intake limits. The austerity diet is to be enforced at all US public schools eventually. The limited caloric intake does not affect her diet though, tonight's campaign fundraising dinner is a meal of lobster and cocktails.

A severe drought and a government policy that puts 40% of the corn crop into gas tanks has caused cow and pig herds to be culled, setting up another catastrophe for next year. “We can see it coming but it would take a much bigger crisis to get these politicians to drop the ethanol policy” said one source within the USDA “It is disheartening to witness government policies doing this to my country”.

“These food deliveries are meant to supplement the falling caloric intake. The kids are hungry, the food they have been given is second rate and unpalatable because of the drought and government policies. This has never happened in their life times and it must be quite a shock” said an official with the Savannah Independent School District “The fall from a prosperous first world nation to one where children don't get enough to eat is never pretty”

Across the world there are many countries where the images of meager school lunches might not seem so bad, but they miss the point. If the US goes down, who becomes the breadbasket that can feed the poorer countries?

“I'm hungry” said Angela Polly, 8, after eating a meager meal of hummus and black bean salad “I don't want to go to P.E. (Physical Education), I don't have the energy”. Many other children and parents agree. Dharma Polly, Angela's mother, said “If something does not change soon, I'm afraid for this country and the future”.

“Americans are not used to this, they have become soft as a super power” said a UN official “The sight of UN trucks delivering food to children will be seen as a national failure, many will feel like they have personally failed. This is natural.”

Ancient Text Reveals False Gospel

(Associated Posers) - CAIRO, Egypt - Egyptian Minister of Antiquities, Zahi Hawass, revealed this morning an ancient shred of papyrus. He announced that for the past 6 months this scrap of papyrus has been studied by some of the leading archaeologists.

"Due to the controversial nature of the contents, we have been extremely meticulous and we have documented everything" Zahi Hawass said at the press conference held near his office "The paper, the ink and even the writing all point to the same result"

Less than a week after another scrap of ancient text was falsely said to have mentioned a wife of Jesus, the authorities are being extra careful. Sources indicated a great debate had taken place behind the scenes of the Egyptian Antiquities Ministry about delaying the announcement because of the hoax.

Zahi Hawass continued "This ancient scrap of manuscript dates back to around the year 1965 AD. This is what we believe the text actually says..."

“By…[1975] some experts feel that food shortages will have escalated the present level of world hunger and starvation into famines of unbelievable proportions. Other experts, more optimistic, think the ultimate food-population collision will not occur until the decade of the 1980s.”
• Paul Ehrlich, Stanford University biologist

Zahi Hawass explained the significance of this find. "The Prophet Paul is known to have made many prophecies for a small sect, not well known in history, that we call the Cult of Menda City. They had many such prophets and the Prophet Paul was one of the greater of these."

Asked what happened to the Cult of Menda City Zahi Hawass tried to evade the question before answering "It was one of many Earth worshipping cults, they come and go but the never really go away, no matter how often their leaders are wrong. Once upon a time there was the Prophet Paul, who begot the Prophet Watts who begot the Prophet Ted Danson who begot the Prophet Al... after that we lose track and they sort of fade"

Asked if this cult had been consistent on any part of their theology and Zahi Hawass answered with a resounding "Yes". Then he explained.

"They were known as doomsayers. They said the sky was falling and begged the people of the villages to give them coin and treasure to save the world. Later they foretold great tidal waves and floods and swarms of locusts. After every drought and infestation they would point and exclaim: See! It is the end of the world, you must empower and enrich us to save you all" Zahi Hawass then pauses with a laugh and finishes "They once claimed the oceans would die, or the Earth would freeze and then that the Earth would get too hot. Always something extreme. Always the same solution even when the problem was vastly different: Give us power and control and wealth"

In conclusion Zahi Hawass said that while those who sought fortune and power by doomsaying would always be with us as long as there were simple-minded people who would believe it, that they were and are nothing more than con artists. So in the end it is a scrap of papyrus from long ago that was an attempt to scaremonger people into giving up their fortune and liberty.

Artists Rendering of Prophet Paul

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

"Obama, the food stamp President Yay!"

(Associated Posers) – WASHINGTON DC – As the number of Americans hitting hard times and find themselves needing food stamps to survive as hit more than 46 million, a record high, at least one college professor is cheering.

“This is great news” said the associate dean of the Georgetown Law Center Peter B Edelman “The more the merrier. This is how Americans learn the wonders of belonging to the state, a real communion of the people.”

Most Americans likely decry a failing economy that places so many people in dire straits, and struggle to change government policy to repair the damage, Dean Edelman assures people that everything will be just fine. “The American dream is now a fantasy, government has made sure to relegate it to the ash heap of history”.

“The economy must fail” he says “People must learn to get by on less. They must learn to live with less food. We cannot go on driving as much as we want, or turning the air conditioner as low as we want. This kind of greed is what we must bleed out of the system.”

Asked if he thought a thriving middle class and an improved job market was a good thing, Edelman visibly bristles. “It's all based on greed and self-fulfillment. People must get back to learn to live in the dirt and the crap. They must learn to live in smaller apartments.”

Informed that most Americans would not agree with this, Edelman laughed. “They will. Little by little. The millions on food stamps will learn that life on the dole is comfortable. They don't have to work themselves to death, they don't need to worry about the next paycheck. This is socialism, they will like socialism. They will like being taken care of”.

Fellow academic Amy Bishop, a rabid fan of Barack Obama, agrees with Edelman “Everything has a purpose. Obama is pursuing a policy that evaporates the private economy and allows the community economy to grow. As Michelle has said in the past, sometimes it is better for people to get jobs making less money to make a real change in their community. Material needs can be put second and we can all work together to make the world a better place”.

As one example professor Amy Bishop points at her friends who operate Mother Jones magazine, which is listed as a non-profit despite being a partisan advocate. “They make a real difference, like when they released that doctored videotape to make Mitt Romney look bad” she said. “You don't have to necessarily give up worldly possessions to make such a difference, after all my friends at the magazine all make six figures.”

“It is the masses who must do the real sacrificing, not the academics and the elite” Peter Edelman explained “It's easier for them to learn to live a peasant lifestyle since they aren't as intelligent”.

“They will learn to love” Amy Bishop said, her eyes gleaming “They will learn to love their government and know that it is looking out for them, so they won't have to”.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Children bring "Innocence of Muslims" to Stage

(Associated Posers) – BALTIMORE, MD – As the global debate on free speech and condemnations from world leaders of the low-budget “Innocence of Muslims” trailer, the film has become a surprise underground cult hit across the United States. Several leading churches say they are considering putting on a Muslim Pageant to show how the false faith of Islam arose from the lust of one warlord.

Even so, when youths hear that something is being condemned by government they often get interested in that thing. This has become true with the badly produced internet video. All over the web groups of teens debate the film for its schlock value more than worry about its shock value. There is nothing really shocking in the video, after all.

“I don't get it” said Roger Jorgensen, 15. “I saw all of it and there was no nudity or anything, I really don't see what the problem is. What's the big deal?”

“It's not like there is anything new in the video. We knew Muhammad was a warlord, a pedophile and a con man” said Sarah Smith, 16. “I have no earthly idea why there would be rioting. From my studying, I learned that Islam does not claim Muhammad is a deity or anything”.

Using the video as an inspiration some Christian youth clubs have launched efforts to put on plays about the creation of Islam. “It gets boring just showing how Jesus became our lord, we've all heard it and it is wonderful. I think it might be a good change to contrast that with how Islam was formed by a madman leading a rebel army” said Frederick Thompson, 17, of the Rock of Youth Club in Baltimore.

The backlash against Muslim demands for all blasphemy against Islam to be outlawed drew a sharp rebuke from the Baltimore CAIR offices “This will not stand. The Muslim community of Baltimore will explode in anger at this sacrilege!”.

Rehearsals have already began at the Word of the Rock Theater in suburban Baltimore, asked if he was worried that violence could result, Thomas Weaver, 17, answered “No, we aren't afraid. We aren't afraid of angry mobs, or thin-skinned false gods who need their own mafia. We know we have already won in the end.”

FERC Ruling Aids Family Wind Farms

(Associated Posers) - MOSCOW, IDAHO - The Shnott family says they would have lost everything had the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission not ruled their way. The FERC has ruled that Idaho power providers must buy wind power even when demand for power is low. This could raise the price of electricity for customers, but it can save the family wind farms like the one belonging to the Shnott family.

“This ruling was a God-send. It means we won't have to sell the farm at a major loss. It means the children can go to school knowing its not the last time they can see their friends.” Mary Shnott explained. She is referring to her grandchildren, who her son has been struggling to raise along with keeping the windmills twirling.

“Family farms are dying out and federal farm supports go to the big corporate farms, not the little guys like the Shnott family” said the Professor of Renewable Energy Economics at the University of Idaho-Moscow, Gregory Luknow. “The fact is without these mandates and subsidies, wind farms and large-scale solar do not make any economic sense”.

“When I stopped growing potatoes and planted the turbines, I was a pioneer in the field” Douglas Shnott said “I thought, certainly, we would be able to succeed. It's been a struggle though, we're barely getting by. Most of the federal payments just go right into the pockets of politicians and lawyers who keep the racket going.”

The Shnott Family Wind Farm is miles away from the nearest town in Idaho, Dogo, but the residents still complain about the irritating noise and dead birds. They also don't like the idea of paying higher electric bills to keep wind turbine farms in business. President of the Dogo Chamber of Commerce, Roy White, explains “We are forced to pay more for a defective product, where is the freedom to choose?”

Sarah Shnott, 7, though sees it a little different. “Like Barack Obama said, we have to spread the wealth around so everybody can have a little bit, like my teachers are always telling us”

GM recall has simple solution

(Associated Posers) - DETROIT - General Motors is scrambling to find a solution to a transmission defect that has led to the recall of 474,000 vehicles and could expand to include more. The defect causes the vehicle to roll away when unattended and at least 4 accidents have been caused by it.

Union engineers have already hit on a novel, low-tech solution, for the problem this has caused. The new product will be sold at all GM dealerships for as low as $19.99.

General Motors that still owes upwards of $15 billion to the taxpayers as part of its federal bailout claims to be in good financial shape despite signs of trouble. They have been asking that the federal government sell the shares it took in the bailout process, but the government has refused - it would lose billions of dollars in value. Meanwhile reports suggest that the company loses as much as $49,000 on each Chevy Volt produced.

Whether the company can be saved by a block of wood or whether customers will take the wood and give them time to fix the problems remains to be seen.

Ban Ki-moon castigates Japanese criticism of China

(Associated Posers) - NEW YORK CITY – United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon said that criticism that hurts the feelings of others is an abuse of the freedom of expression. This comes days after sometimes violent protests broke out across China and North Korea in response to Japanese provocation. The Japanese criticism comes as the Chinese naval forces challenged Japanese sovereignty over the Diaoyu Islands. (What the Japanese call the Senkaku Islands)

Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon says that Chinese moves to wrest control of the Diaoyu Islands is not reason enough to justify verbal and printed attacks against China. “You have hurt the feelings of the good people and leadership of China” he castigated bloggers and comment makers on Japanese internet forums, like 2channel.

Across China the people rose up with little government prodding to challenge the Japanese, shuttering Japanese-owned factories, setting Japanese cars on fire and holding mass protests. Some foreign media outlets have called it “mob” behavior and this also upset the Chinese.

Ban Ki-moon said ““Freedoms of expression should be and must be guaranteed and protected, when they are used for common justice, common purpose. When some people use this freedom of expression to provoke or humiliate some others’ values and beliefs, then this cannot be protected in such a way.”

As China moves to curtail the worst of the riots and protests the leadership of the Japanese Liberal Democrat Party, or LDP, has taken on a stridently nationalistic tone in wake of the island dispute.

The ruling Democrat Party is expected to be clobbered in coming elections after the Prime Minister, Yoshihiko Noda, proposed doubling the consumption tax.

This leaves three men fighting for the LDP leadership looking at being the next leader of Japan.

The party is conservative and pro-U.S., with a traditional suspicion of China. The five candidates running for president, a position occupied by Sadakazu Tanigaki, include former Prime Minister Shinzo Abe and former Defense Minister Shigeru Ishiba, who have been taking turns calling on Japan to get tough with Beijing in the escalating dispute over the Senkaku Islands.

"Losing a piece of our territory eventually means losing the whole country," Ishiba, an expert on security and defense issues who is considered a hawk, declared at a news conference Wednesday. Ishiba has said he would favor developing the Senkakus — a move that would surely enrage Beijing.

"Our beautiful countryside and ocean are under threat," Abe, perhaps the most rightwing of the five presidential candidates, has said on the campaign trail.

Another front-runner in the LDP race is Nobuteru Ishihara, son of Tokyo's stridently nationalistic governor, Shintaro Ishihara.

The governor set off the East China Sea flare-up by announcing in April that the Tokyo Metropolitan Government planned to purchase three of the Senkaku islets from a private Japanese owner and to build fishing facilities on them. That compelled the central government to buy the isles itself to prevent efforts to build on them that would have escalated the dispute.

Ban Ki-moon also pointed out that Japan is also trying to claim the Korean Dokdo Islands from his native South Korea and indicated he thinks the worsening economy in Japan may be leading them towards revisiting their Imperial history.

“If peace is what is desired then let us calm our voices. Freedom of speech and expression are nice concepts but we cannot allow opinions that hurt others to flourish” he said.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

"I wanted to marry tiger"

(Associated Posers) - BRONX, NEW YORK - Before his now-infamous tangle with a Bronx Zoo tiger, David Villalobos adorned his Facebook page with New Age odes to Mother Earth and affirmations like, "Be love and fearless."

Police said Saturday that Villalobos had told detectives that it was without fear that he leaped from an elevated train into the animal's den. His reason, they said, was that "he wanted to be with the tiger."

Asked what he meant by that, David informed them that he is a female tiger trapped in a human male body and he was only seeking to mate. “It is instinctual, I was in heat”.

After he jumped into the enclosure and landed on all fours the 400-lb male Siberian named Bashuta grabbed him by the foot and dragged him around. Despite serious injuries Villalobos said he partially got his wish, he was able to pet and interact with the object of his crush.

“I have a serious love affair with Bashuta and at least he knows I exist now” Villalobos explained from his hospital room “The ice is broken”

Based on his admissions and a complaint from the zoo, the police seek to arrest Villalobos on trespassing charges but being hospital-bound with serious wounds leaves the timing up in the air. Whether the 25-year old real estaste agent has retained an attorney or not is still unknown as calls to family members went unanswered.

Villalobos remained hospitalized with bites and punctures on his arms, legs, shoulders and back, and a broken arm and a leg caused by the jump.

The Wild Asia exhibit that's home to the tiger was operating as usual on Saturday, zoo officials said, declining to comment further.

Villalobos' Facebook page makes clear his infatuation with wildlife. One of several postings from Thursday was a photo of a tiger licking a cub, and the comment, "Nice." Another was of a black jaguar.

Obama TV Ad Sparks Deadly Protests

(Associated Posers) – Islamabad, PAKISTAN – The President of the United States and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton appeared in paid television ads to inform the viewers that there is a blasphemous video about Mohamed on Youtube. The website was blocked in that country earlier in the day, but the President went on to inform them that while rioting over such incitement is natural that he was sorry the US had a first amendment.

To the chagrin of Pakistan authorities the paid television ads that cost the US taxpayers upwards of $70,000 sparked mass protests and rioting. One Pakistan Senator for the opposition said the television ad was “the worst act of terrorism against Pakistan we have seen all year”.

The Speaker of the Parliament of Pakistan , Fahmida Mirza, said she was shocked that the American President would do something almost guaranteed to cause a riot. “Our people didn't see the video, it was blocked here and this man comes along and tells our people that rioting is a natural thing to do... I have never seen anything like it”.

“We go through great pains to contain the radicals in our society and your President comes along and gives them the green light to explode. It is the most irresponsible thing I have seen in quite a while” said an official from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs - Foreign Relations Department. “The United States is not our enemy, I am shocked at this. If this is the kind of treatment we get from our partnership, then how long will we be allies?”

The day of the rioting was a holiday in Pakistan and the protests hit several major cities, there were clashes with police in riot gear as well as many burned cars and vandalized businesses. There are reports that at least 23 people were killed and hundreds injured.

“These protests were clearly hijacked by the religious right” said businessman and peace activist Naeem Sadiq. Mobile communications had been switched off in 15 cities but the death and destruction pointed to poorly trained and equipped police departments.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Obama: Romney "Out of Touch" with Media

(Associated Posers) -POLITICS “You can't change Washington from the inside” Obama said in a recent interview with the Spanish-language Univision television network. “The economy is recovering and I will take credit for that, I won't say no. Sure there are twenty million more on food stamps but I think that is a sign of great achievement. The fact is, that I am blameless. It's the people out there who are at fault for the state of this country, the mess is theirs not mine” Obama later pointed out.

Obama also took a few shots at his Republican opponent. “As I told my celebrity friends Jay-Z and Beyonce at that wild party the other night where I raised $4 million and solicited soft money illegally, Mitt Romney represents the decadent wealthy and I represent the little guy in my armored limo and Air Force One. Mitt Romney is out of touch with the Hollywood and Media Elite in this country”

“People talk about media bias and how they report everything we tell them to” Obama said “But they never ask why. Why does the media lick my toes? It's because I lick them right back and Republican extremists never will. Romney and his ilk think being President is about more than punishing white folk for their success. They think I should respond immediately to things like the embassy attack and say we shouldn't apologize to the Muslims for a bad movie, they think I should meet Prime Minister Netanyahu instead of David Letterman. All of this proves that Mitt Romney is out of touch with the media, it's all about a message and being cool on television. They seem to think it's about actually doing things”.

“I will not apologize for flying to Las Vegas for a fund raiser while our consulate burned and an Ambassador was dragged through the street. I have to do what I do, here and now, not way over there and this guy knew the risks” Obama explained “The economy is Bush's fault, but the recovery is my credit, if there is one. If I fail, it is because the people of this country didn't Hope for Change hard enough.”

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Chicken Chain Changes Course

(Associated Posers) - Chick-fil-A came to terms with Chicago aldermen and has come away making changes to it's founders stand for traditional marriage. The College Park, Georgia-based company says that it will no longer bar gay chickens from being used to make it's chicken sandwiches.

"All of our tests have determined that gay chickens taste just like chicken" the company said in a press release cheered by homosexual activist groups. "Therefore there is no longer a policy against the use of gay chickens for our delicious meals".

A month ago supporters of the chicken chain clogged roads to break sales records after homosexuals called for boycotts. The chain has tried to keep the new policy quiet to keep it's customer base from launching their own boycott in a backlash.

A message reportedly from the right-wing Tradition Chicken Coalition responds by saying "We are the customer base that keeps them in business and we will have to review our support of CFA".

One lone protester has already showed up outside the home of COO Dan Cathay with a sign that said "No Gay Chickens"

News in Brief - Sept 20, 2012

(Associated Posers) – WASHINGTON, DC. After an exhaustive investigation into the “Fast & Furious” scandal United States Attorney General Eric Holder announced that he has cleared Eric Holder of any involvement or wrongdoing. One minor figure has been made to resign but the Department of Justice has not released his name.


(Associated Posers) - WASHINGTON DC. The US government has now officially labeled the Benghazi embassy tragedy that left 4 dead as a terrorist attack, but have not said whether it is linked to the notorious TEA Party. One official said it might possibly be Al Qaeda linked but said this was considered unlikely because Islam is a wonderful, peaceful religion.


(Associated Posers) – Mitt Romney is taking small polling leads in several swing states despite being caught on video sounding like a conservative. The doctored video was universally hailed as evidence of the demise of the Romney campaign because he cited facts. The poll leads, even with oversampling of Democrats, shows that swing states are inherently racist.


(Associated Posers) – For the thirtieth time since President Obama, praise Allah, became President the economic recovery has turned the corner. Reports suggest that the economy has finally reached the bottom, leaving no where to go but up. This is good news for those record number of people out of work.


(Associated Posers) – WASHINGTON DC. Between fundraisers with Jay-Z and Beyonce and appearing on TV talk shows like “The View” and “David Letterman” and meeting a pirate in the Oval Office, the President has no time to meet with Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu to try and bring peace to the region. He will, however, meet with the head of the Muslim Brotherhood and try harder to squeeze in some national security briefings.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Romney Controversy Explodes Election Hopes

(Associated Posers) Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney's campaign is in disarray after off-the-cuff remarks at an elementary school appearance were made public today by the Palatine Paw Print student newspaper. Democrats say this could be the end of any chance of winning the election the gaffe-ridden Romney campaign had.

"We know the sky is blue and the grass is green... and it is science that tells us how this is" Romney told the class of students.

One teacher who was present and refuses to be named said "It was shockingly inappropriate" and "If we had known he would veer into that kind of territory he would never have been invited"

"We would never allow our students to limit themselves to what really is, we want them to feel free to use their imaginations in science class just as we do in sex-ed".

Experts we spoke to say that using logic and facts in a classroom can have deleterious affects on children.

Joyce Rogers Chesterson-Smith explains "Focusing on the limitations of the so-called 'real world' at such a young age can close the minds of youth for their whole life. We want them to explore their imaginations and not limit themselves to the artificial constraints of the white male hegemony".

Principal Austin Weiner tells this reporter that since the news of Mitt Romney's comments broke he has been deluged with calls from angry parents. "They feel he has traumatized their children, and we agree of course, we always agree"

One parent who did not want to be identified said her daughter Susie locked her play date out of her room that night "It put her off sex for sure. I'm thinking of suing the school, the county, the state and Mitt Romney. My lawyer says there is millions in this"

Mitt Romney is also alleged to have said that "2+2=4" and that the students were perplexed by this.

A teacher explains "This is the kind of racist and insensitive remark we have come to expect from Republicans, but we thought he would be more reserved in front of children. We all agreed that this was the most blatantly offensive thing that has ever happened here"

The consensus is that this controversy, one of many in the Romney campaign, could finish him off for good.